Why Ugg Boots can be dangerous.

Ugg boots, although very toasty and comfortable, can be dangerous.

I am a semi-professional ugg boot wearer during this time of the year. As soon as I get home, I pop on my fluffies and shuffle around in them. They are not sexy, nor stylish.

Recently I retired my old boots for they had become a den of festy stink. I exchanged them for a short pair. In my haste, I bought a size too big so it is actually a bit of a pain in the ass to keep them on, yet I still persist. But not without an element of danger.

A few days ago, I saw the mailman riding past and so I shuffled out to the mailbox to see who wanted money from me this week. There was nothing but a lonely newsletter from the Church of Scientology, telling me about recent going ons. You see, I get all of the religious mailouts from all of the churches because a few years ago I pulled an epic prank on my friend Jim, and as retribution, he put me on every single mailing list for fanatical religions. Tis the gift that keeps on giving.

The sun was shining and the birds were singing as I noticed that some of Mr. Woog’s bulbs were coming through.

“Jonquils!” I thought to myself as I illegally loaded my arms full of the perfectly perfumed flowers.

So delighted was I, that I literally skipped back up the crazy paving path, a move I rarely do because I am not elegant. This particular skipping was very un-elegant, as it turned out.

With my last skipping step completed, I jumped up onto the first step, and that is when my merriment ended.

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All the elements were against me. I had big uggies on and combined that with slippery crazy paving, well it was never going to end well. During my initial leap to the first step, all was going smoothly as I sailed on up, perhaps fuelled by the smell on jonquils. But it all turned to shit when the toe of my ugg boot clipped the edge of that first step. I came crashing down like a bucket of shit, first connecting my knee to the top step before falling in a heap on the landing. I missed smashing my face on it by the length of a bees dick. And then, of course, I howled.

“You right Mum?” came Horatio’s voice from inside. No coming to check on me. no, that would interrupt him from putting together his fantasy NRL team which is very important.

The jonquils didn’t look the same. I nerves were shot to shit and my knee, to this day, is covered in all the colours of the rainbow.

So beware, my friends, of getting about in your ugg boots. May I suggest you take your time to get a snug fitting pair and take note of the grip of the sole. And perhaps come to peace with the fact that you are far too old to be skipping down any garden paths.

Has footwear ever caused you harm?

Tell me all about it.