When to Euthanise.

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Dear Berlei Enormous Minimiser Beige Bra,

Well, I knew that this day was coming. You suffered hard in the past few months and I think it is time that we sat down and took a look at the facts, as heartbreaking as they may be.

We met in the lingerie section at Myer in 2012. I found your smaller cousin first, all by myself without the aid of any assistance as the sales lady there as she was as useless as tits on a chicken. I took your relative off to the change room first. She promised me, by the way of a label, that she was going to make my bust at least 2 sizes smaller. In essence, she was promising me the world, but only succeeded to cause me to almost crack a rib, and made me feel like I was about to keel over.

I spent some time then, topless and bra-less in that sad, lonely dressing room, deciphering the size label, trying to work out what the devil my new size was. Through the process of elimination, the universe directed me to you.

I contemplated reaching for the pure, shiny white version of you, but my mothers sensibility rang through my head. So beige it would be.

We went together like gin does with tonic. I do believe we both sighed a breath of relief. Me because I was comfortable and able to breathe without a ventilator, and you because you were going to be purchased at full recommended retail price, meaning that your make was popular and unlikely to be discontinued in the future, unlike the Berlei Lift and Shape Cotton Rich t-shirt Bra. Oh may she rest in peace. (Discontinued)

A few years ago, we went through a very bad patch in our relationship. It was during this time that I commenced a program known as Huffy Puffy, and although you seemed to like it at first, those sessions proved to be hard for you. And over the years, your elastic seemed to give up the ghost. Despite all advice, I did you wrong by washing you in the machine, with objects such as footy jerseys and bath sheets. Despite this abuse, you continued to shine on as bright as you could. Your hooks became all fucked up and it was taking me more and more time to meet these hooks and eyelets together, to form the essential mechanism that keeps ones boobs in place.

I would smile when I opened my bra drawer and see you there, all clean and ready to serve. But the light recently, has gone out in you.

Yesterday I knew it was time. Your condition? Critical. Your underwire had started to try to escape from your stitched in means. Despite hitching your straps to be on the tightest settings, after an hour or so, you had defaulted back to the slackest, because your elastic had all but given up.

Dear Berlei Enormous Minimiser Beige Bra, it is time to say goodbye. Go forth and take your place alongside the fancier, discarded push up bras, the giant milk encrusted maternity bras and those pathetic, stupid training bras. You are better then them all, and I never want you to forget the service that you delivered.

Go, swinging towards the light. And may you forever rest in peace.

Your humble servant,

Mrs Woog.