It’s Spring and You’re Fucked.

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Tuesday the 18th of August 2015 will not be remembered for much at all. We came third at Trivia, I worked hard against a deadline, which was actually the Friday before. The cleaners came. (I love them so much) and not much else of note.

EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT I SURVIVED THE FIRST SWOOPING OF THE SEASON!

Spring has decided to come a little early this year, a fact that is indeed very pleasing. Mr. Woogs hard work in the garden is beginning to pay dividends, with magnolia trees full of blooms, iris popping up everywhere and lavender starting to show themselves.

AND A VERY AGGRESSIVE MUMMA MAGGIE HAS DECIDED TO BRING HER BABIES INTO THE WORLD IN A BIG TREE OUT THE FRONT OF OUR HOUSE.

There is a gentle hum of ever present bees, I can work with the front door open, the sunshine warms the rooms and I no longer have to work under a doona.

WHICH IS ALL VERY WELL WHEN YOU ARE A PRISONER IN YOUR OWN HOME BECAUSE OF SLEEP DEPRIVED MAGPIE AND MAGPIE BABIES WANT YOU DEAD.

So if I could write her a letter, it would go a little something like this,

Dear Mumma Magpie,

I come in peace. (although to be fair, I was here first – but that is just semantics.)

I know all to well the stressfulness of being a new mother. You see it was not that long ago I was in your shoes, nest, tree   situation. The changes to your body, the constant feeding on demand, the sleep deprivation…. oh the sleep deprivation!

It is hard. Nobody ever really tells you how hard it is, or they try to, but you don’t listen. I mean, “the baby is just going to fit into MY schedule?” The reality comes at you like a big feathery slap across your beak.

Mumma Magpie, I totally get it. I would be angry too. There is shit in your nest, you have convinced yourself that everyone is out to steal your babies. Your mind is playing tricks on you. Believe me.

I want to be able to live in a peaceful world. I want to be able to alight from my car and walk to the front door without fear. So let’s strike a deal, shall we?

You lay of the needlessly vicious attacks that are having a profound effect on my mental and physical health, and when your babies start wobbling around on the grass, falling over and squaring like mini maniacs, I will promise you that I will watch on fondly making soothing and encouraging noises. And I will keep the cat inside until your babies are big enough to fly.

Do we have a deal?

The lady at number 9.

Any advice for people suffering from Magpie Attacks?

Apart from that… can we talk about Spring?