Who would play you in a movie?

An old blogging pal of mine, Clint Greagen, has some exciting news delivered to him recently, that his book Reservoir Dad has been optioned by a film company. Just like that. His book is going to be turned into a film.

Is that not the coolest thing ever?

So I was chatting to some mates about it, and the conversation turned to who would play us in a film, if a book I wrote about my life, was to ever be made into a movie. It would be the worlds most boring film. Lady wakes up, makes sandwiches and gets screamed at by the cat. Writes a bit on the Internet, makes a sandwich and gets screamed at the cat. That type of thing. Riveting stuff. Real hang-onto-the-edge-of-your-seat scenarios.

Mrs. Goodman is totally Salma Hayek. We came to this conclusion by googling “calm brunette actress“. Mrs Spark would be played by Gwyneth Paltrow and Mrs. Jenkins would be portrayed by Reese Withaspoon. ┬áBut we were all stumped when it came to me.

Like really stumped. We threw around a few names, but none of them stuck. And finally, after narrowing down the frontrunners, it came down to a hybrid of two.

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Melissa McCarthy and Julie Walters. I was not displeased with the decision. I love them both very much. It was a really interesting exercise to do. But a film based on my life would be a flop.

I would write a film called Sex in the Suburbs, where 4 friends occasionally come together to drink Villa Maria, while bitching about how bored they are with running children around to sporting activities. Then two of them decide to take off in Sonia Kluger and drive to Dubbo. Along the way, one of them has a steamy romp in a motel in Bathurst with Grant Denyer before driving around Mount Panorama at full throttle.

Meanwhile, back in the burbs, the other two decide to blog every recipe from the Woman’s Day Childrens Book of Birthday Cakes and end up in court, in a case bought against them by illegally using a White Wings trade mark in one of their posts. The post where they made the ducky with the chip beak.

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Bad ducky

Their lawyer, played by Bert Newton, would wipe the floor clean with the case, arguing that a corporate association with such a brilliant blog is a bonus.

Then the final scene would be a re-union of the group, all coming together to explain what they have learnt on their journey. In the background, a Fisher and Paykel washing machine would beep, signalling the end of the adventure, and the movie.

I am beginning to suspect that I am a fucking genius.

What would the story of your life be called?

Who would play you?