How to lose 3 kilos FAST!

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You can do this by getting gastro, but that is not much fun. Me? I turn to the nail salon when I need to shed a few pounds fast.

You see, I have a gift. A gift of growing excess skin on my heels. If left untended, I think I can actually grow about 2 inches in height. And then it gets cracked and sore and, lets face it, impossible for me to wear sandals without sending people running for the hills when they spot them. So off to my salon I go every few weeks, where I walk in one weight and leave another, thanks to my lady and her swift work with a razor.

That is right. My heels get shaved and cornflakes positively FLY, leaving me once again, questioning myself on exactly how gross I can be.

Body? Just when I think you cannot surprise me anymore, you do. Well done.

Remember when having a mani or a pedi was just something you did before you got married, or some such fancy occasion? The beautician would place your feet into a plastic tub of tepid water with a few rocks in the bottom (why the rocks?) and then sort of play with your feet for a bit before polishing your toes with some really old and limited selection of polish? And then you would pay like a hundred bucks for the privilege?

We have come a long way baby.

Now pedicures are dealt with like a medical procedure, which is what I consider mine to be. Surgical grade EVERYTHING. Just bear with me, while I go and find out who is the Minister for Health these days…….

Right. Sussan Ley. Listen up. There are women out there, just like me, who have to have pedicures FOR MEDICAL REASONS.  Therefore I urge you to ask the bean-counters of our country to consider putting pedicures onto the Medicare list.

What are you particularly good at growing?