Tales from the back seat


In the past few days I have been in a couple of taxis, which one tends to find themselves doing when travelling interstate. A couple of these taxi trips have been notable and so I thought I would share them with you as I enjoy a three hour wait at the airport.

I have a three hour wait because daylight savings time, general confusion, slightly hung like a dog (take a big swig of Lift) came a little earlier anyway to share a taxi with Smaggle, couldn’t change to an earlier flight unless I wanted to depart with an extraordinary amount of cash and other things far too boring to even mention.

Anyway, back to the cabbies.

On Friday I jumped in a cab to the airport. I had the kids with me as I was dropping them off to school first. Horatio had his cricket bat, and the driver started to give him lots of good advice about batting.

Once they were dropped off, I requested the driver to put on ABC 702 so I could listen to Linda’s high brow, condescending observations. There was a discussion about feral cats and how they are wiping out local fauna. My driver was completely outraged when the discussion turned to desexing cats at a very early age.

“Cats need families!” He told me before hitting speed dial on his hands free phone.

“Hello ABC Radio. How can I help you?” the receptionist asked.

“I would like to go on the radio to talk about the cats.” He demanded.

He was placed on hold for a whole, and eventually a producer spoke. “What are you going to say?”

The driver, whose name was Khan, told of his intentions to talk about how God put cats on the planet to keep the rats in check, and if we de-sex cats there will be a rat plague unlike we have ever seen before. He also mentioned that cats need families too.

The producer, who I could just tell had spoken with Khan before, told him that cats were killing like eleventy billion bandicoots every night and hung up.

Khan told me that they never allow him to talk to Linda.

The rest of the trip was spent in high chatter. Khan told me that he had met Scott Morrison the week before and had given him a copy of the Quran. I asked him if if he liked Scott Morrison and he told me that he liked everyone.

When I got out at the airport, Khan reminded me to remind Horatio to be patient while batting.

So, that was Khan

This morning, I jumped in a cab with Smaggle. We were both slightly seedy due to advance wining the evening before. Smaggle explained that she wasn’t piss fit at present as she had cut back on booze because she was “getting a bit fat.” (which by the way, she so isn’t.)

A loud booking voice came flying from the front seat.

“Rubbish! I am African. I like a little meat on a woman’s bones….”

Well, our driver had us in hysterics the entire ride. When we arrived at the airport, we sprang from the cab laughing, and thanked him for the lift.

But something didn’t feel right.

We had forgotten to pay.

Laughing, Smaggle fossicked around her hardback as the driver suggested that he would give us a free ride, but there would be conditions.

“Smaggs, he wants a blow job…”

By this stage we were all quite hysterical. And things became even more so when I left my wallet on the backseat.

I am so tired.

I then instantly lost Smaggle at the airport, and decided to write a blog post.

Have you ever had a cab ride of note?