Things you never thought you would say when you became a mother.


Horatio has been working, for a few months now, after school at the local fruit and veg shop. This week, I went to pick him up. As I walked towards the shop I spied him, and stopped.

There he was, behind the counter serving people under the watchful eye of the owner Lawrence. Actually using the till. Actually having adult conversations with customers. Being charming and smiling as he handed back change and wishing people a pleasant evening.

And it was at this very point that something changed in me.


An actual, real life person.

For the first time, and I am not sure why, there was a shift in me as a mum. I didn’t have a little boy on my hands. I had a person.

I never really thought about being a mum much. It just kind of happened.

Last night I said to him “If you eat another pomegranate you will have an explosive asshole in the middle of the night!” 

Which brings me to the title of this blog post. And the Facebook crew also had some beauties of strange things that they have said to their kids.

“No you may not tell that man to “shit off”…

Get your finger out of your bum, don’t put your finger in your mouth!

“Don’t lick the bin” (at the shopping centre)

“Get out of the washing basket with that falafel”

‘Don’t lick the bus’

“Please don’t be sad because Penis, your friend, isn’t talking to you today”

“No, you will never grow a vagina”

“Please stop licking all of your story books.”

“If you insist on wearing no clothes then try to re-load your Nerf gun in a war with your brother .. don’t come to me when your dangly boy bit gets caught in it!

“Don’t hit your sister with the potato masher.”

” No one is stabbing anyone today”

“Stop eating sand please, you’ll ruin your dinner.”

“Your brother does NOT need a passport to visit the bathroom!!”

“In THIS house, we respect other people’s’ penises…”

‘Naked tractor riding doesn’t seen like a very safe idea.”

I think back on many things I have said to my kids, things that make so sense. I still hear parents saying weird shit to their offspring all the time, but in that fleeting second, is entirely appropriate. But what IS the fascination with penises? Why DO they feel the need to explore bodily orifices? And what is with all the licking? What WOULD possess a person to eat two pomegranates before going to bed?

Have you ever said something to your kids and then thought, Did I actually just say that out loud?

Pleas share it in the comments!