Things you never thought you would say when you became a mother.


Horatio has been working, for a few months now, after school at the local fruit and veg shop. This week, I went to pick him up. As I walked towards the shop I spied him, and stopped.

There he was, behind the counter serving people under the watchful eye of the owner Lawrence. Actually using the till. Actually having adult conversations with customers. Being charming and smiling as he handed back change and wishing people a pleasant evening.

And it was at this very point that something changed in me.


An actual, real life person.

For the first time, and I am not sure why, there was a shift in me as a mum. I didn’t have a little boy on my hands. I had a person.

I never really thought about being a mum much. It just kind of happened.

Last night I said to him “If you eat another pomegranate you will have an explosive asshole in the middle of the night!” 

Which brings me to the title of this blog post. And the Facebook crew also had some beauties of strange things that they have said to their kids.

“No you may not tell that man to “shit off”…

Get your finger out of your bum, don’t put your finger in your mouth!

“Don’t lick the bin” (at the shopping centre)

“Get out of the washing basket with that falafel”

‘Don’t lick the bus’

“Please don’t be sad because Penis, your friend, isn’t talking to you today”

“No, you will never grow a vagina”

“Please stop licking all of your story books.”

“If you insist on wearing no clothes then try to re-load your Nerf gun in a war with your brother .. don’t come to me when your dangly boy bit gets caught in it!

“Don’t hit your sister with the potato masher.”

” No one is stabbing anyone today”

“Stop eating sand please, you’ll ruin your dinner.”

“Your brother does NOT need a passport to visit the bathroom!!”

“In THIS house, we respect other people’s’ penises…”

‘Naked tractor riding doesn’t seen like a very safe idea.”

I think back on many things I have said to my kids, things that make so sense. I still hear parents saying weird shit to their offspring all the time, but in that fleeting second, is entirely appropriate. But what IS the fascination with penises? Why DO they feel the need to explore bodily orifices? And what is with all the licking? What WOULD possess a person to eat two pomegranates before going to bed?

Have you ever said something to your kids and then thought, Did I actually just say that out loud?

Pleas share it in the comments!

  • Lol!! I love all of these. Bit chuffed to see mine in there even if it is one of the weirdo penis ones. Who would have thought we’d be staring in our own comedy shows as mothers!

    • It is good to know that I am not the only one who says strange shit x

  • Donna

    In a caravan park bathroom – No, mummy’s penis didn’t fall off. Yes Im sure. Thanks for checking (cold hand shoved in groin)No your’s won’t fall off. Yes Im sure. Yes you can let it go.

    Had this conversation a lot. What is it with boys and their bits!?!?

    • TheEMM

      Oh I’m sad that only having girls I’ll never have the joy of this conversation but that’s solid gold!

    • They are obsessed!

  • Heidi D

    We went through a stage where most things I said involved poo. “Don’t paint the wall with poo”, “don’t push poo into the duplo blocks” ( they ended up in the bin). I was so lucky…..I had all 3 go through a playing with poo stage……the joy ! 😉

  • Caitlin Hardy

    I caught my 2 year old daughter sitting on my bed trying to put a tampon up her bum. “Tampons do not go there!”

  • ‘Please stop shooting me’ is a regular saying around these parts!

  • TheEMM

    See in my house with 2 girls the best i get is
    ..”now where are your pants?”.. “er that’s the cat’s bum i don’t think she wants a shopkin there” & “please don’t ride the dog”

    • Please don’t ride the dog! Priceless x

    • Wendy

      We have a Rhodesian Ridgeback so ‘please don’t ride the dog’ features here too!

  • Becthewordsmith

    Please don’t skate in the yoghurt and don’t go down the slippery slide wearing rollerblades are two I remember fondly from a few years ago.

  • Renae

    Oh good grief I’m in a coffee shop with none of my kids and I can’t stop laughing. Thank you for writing this shit down.

  • Adele

    “You are seven years old (ffs) and you wait ’til now to stick a bead up your nose????”


  • Kelly @ Kiwiwomensstyle

    Laughing so hard I cried and wet myself a bit!

  • There’s a bit of a licking theme among them…

  • LOL. Oh my god, parenting makes a mockery of us all!! x

  • Jess @ Thefitspirit

    My youngest child is a licker of all things. So I can relate to many of these!

  • Noelene

    As daughter said to brother in bank line of elderly customers ” I have a vagina and you have a penis do da do da I have a vagina you have a penis do da do da day ,mum join in you love singing mum join in !!!!!!.” I was never prouder .

  • mummamoo

    Don’t lick your brother. The cat doesn’t need hair gel to look good. Don’t paint with your biscuit, use the brush (followed by) Don’t eat the biscuit it has paint on it!

  • Samantha

    “No, little girls may not poop on the grass like dogs do.” (Me to 3 year old). My sister recently found herself saying to 6 year old boy, ” Stop playing with your penis while I’m talking to you!”. ?