How to remove a rat.

Screen Shot 2016-01-14 at 10.05.40 am

I was alerted to the fact that there was a dead rat by my mate Nikki, who stayed with us last night. I looked at her, my eyes pleading with hers.

“You know I cannot do it…” she told me firmly.

Fuck. And then her cab came.

I went into to kitchen and there it was. A small rat which Chuy had placed next to the fridge. Perhaps he was trying to tell me that he wanted it cooled down for later consumption. Anyway, its eyes were open and it looked like it was alive, sitting up on all fours.

I fled to the neighbours. Ron said he was around if there was an emergency, as Mr. Woog and Jack are in Japan at present. This, my friends, was an emergency. I rang the doorbell, but no one was home.

There was Horatio, I suppose, but this week he has turned into a fully fledged teenager and was still asleep.

I chucked a small tantrum, and had a little cry.

But then something stirred within me. I am a 42-year-old woman. I have met and conversed with 3 Prime Ministers, once sensibly even. I have gotten up and spoken in front of 500 people. I have written a goddamn book.

I have run the stairs of death without vomiting.

I can do this.

In my nightie.

With no bra on.

I threw a paper towels over dead ratty, and nudged it with my foot. My biggest fear at this point was that it would magically spring back to life and cause insurmountable chaos. But it appeared it had definitely gone to God. Then I placed a plastic bag over the lot. Using the extra long BBQ tongs, I gingerly picked up the deceased.

And then I ran like Florence Griffith Joyner out the back door. Down the stairs I flew, with my breasts going haywire such was my exertion. Although it was earlier in the morning, the sun was scorching as I ran through the, what the real estate agent calls, the outdoor entertaining area, over past the car port, dodging the weber to where the bins were. I looked at the three bins in panic. I ended up going with general trash. I flung the lids open and threw the whole lot in, tongs and all.

I walked back into the kitchen to find the cat looking very displeased. Well that made two of us I suppose.

And now I am going to count down the hours until I can pour a gin and tonic, and put this whole mess behind us. As soon as I come back from Turkey, which is apparently where I am right now. Writing for their newspaper maybe….

Screen Shot 2016-01-14 at 10.02.52 am

Ever had a day where you should have stayed in bed?