Bette V. Kim

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This week I went and saw my most excellent head doctor as I had a few issues to sort out and needed a some tools in my belt to tackle a few things I have got coming up. She mentioned to me that I had seen her, pretty much on the same day in March for the past 4 years. March is apparently when my brain gets foggy and tries to trick me into thinking that my dramas are very much bigger than they are.

Bastard brain! *shakes fist*

She is like a wise old aunt who likes to say “fuck” a lot.

We discussed this and that and spoke a lot about vulnerabilities, and the mask that we put on to hide them. Doing what I do, living a part of my life online, means I expose a lot of mine and then I freak the fuck out, thinking “What have I done?” and “Who wants to read this mindless shit about my dull life…” You open yourself up to ridicule on a daily basis. And then you get on the internet and write about how you are opening yourself up to ridicule on a daily basis. (See what I did there?)

The truth is I like people and I like the connections that women from all over the world have made as a part of me writing bullshit on the internet.

The Head Doctor explained to me that people love real. No bullshit, no one is all day happy, shiny, bouncy and in possession on a perfect pantry. Everyone is flawed in some way. Most people like to keep this part of their life hidden at the back of their wardrobe. I totally get that. Sometimes I will scroll through the back catalogue of this blog and think, Really Mrs. Woog? You wanted the whole world to know that?

Instead of getting addicted to weed, or pills or anything like that, I got addicted to blogging, and that lead to many opportunities that sometimes I shake my head at, thinking I do not deserve any of this. And therein lies my problem. Deep down I think I am a fraud. I need to get over myself.

Does this make any sense to you?

In this business you often get told “If you put it out there, you have to expect some flack.” and this I know to be true. But you also get told to “Harden the fuck up, get over it.” but to me, at least, this would mean putting the biggest mask ever in the world on. Like a Robocop mask. It is not who I am.

Then I got home and noticed that Bette Midler and Kim Kardashian were having a massive twitter fight. No one messes with the Divine Ms M! That simple exchange was just the ticket to give myself a big fat slap across the face. Kim not only takes off her mask, but her whole kit as well. Suddenly my mask seemed so boring. My life is mundane. My step-father is so, so sick and my family is the most important thing in the world.  My online community is wonderful and I am healthy. I am navigating life with a teen, clumsily yet effectively and today, I get my cat back from the vets. I get to do a job that I love and I did the grocery shopping the other day when I was starving, so there are many Wagon Wheels in the pantry. I have freshly shaven legs.

Sure, I wear a mask, and sure, I let it come off from time to time. It is learning to expose my vulnerability that is my next challenge. For we are all humans hey. Even Kimmy K.

And so I beseech the question.

Are you wearing a mask?

When do you feel most vulnerable, and are you ok with it?