Yesterday

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Yesterday I went into town with Andy the Publicist. Andy is the head of Publicity at Allen and Unwin and we get on very well indeed. We have very high-brow exchanges as he ferries me around the place doing media stuff to flog the book Primary School Confidential, which is apparently selling very well. (Thank you!)

ABC Country Drive hosted by Fiona Wylie had requested an interview. You basically have fifteen minutes in which to appear to be hilarious and charming so the punters think “That bird sounds alright…” and goes and buys your book.

Now Andy and I had pulled up at the lights near the ABC studios in Ultimo when we saw a group of pedestrians waiting for the lights to change. They were mostly uni students, but one fella stood out a bit. He was standing out the front eating a bag of grapes, very methodically. His hand would reach into the plastic bag, he would select one grape and pop it not his mouth and immediately put his hand back into to the bag, before selecting another grape before popping that one into his mouth as well. I reckon he was going through a grape every two seconds.

But that was not the thing that caught my attention. This bloke, of average height, with long grey hair hanging down his back and being bald on top, was wearing a thin, hot pink cotton dress, which fell to just below the knee. He had a matching pink handbag and matching pink thongs. Colour blocking.

“You think he could polish those toes…” I commented to Andy before then feeling very bad that I had judged him at all.

Anyway, we went into the studios and arrived at an area known as the Tardis, which is several tiny little studio rooms. As I walked in, I spied Dr. Karl Kruszelnicki recording his show. I was taken into the room assigned to me and the man who appeared to be in charge of everything told Andy he would show him to the green room, a room that is never green but is used for waiting. I told him that Andy could stay and then it all got a little weird as he kind of insisted Andy leave and I kind of insisted that Andy stay and Andy was all like “Fuck, what should I do…”

He stayed.

Now the thing about doing live radio in a room with Andy and a mike and having no idea who this person is that I am about to speak to and what happens if I seize up and fall to the floor, bought on a little hand and feet sweating. So I took off my shoes and all of my jewellery, because that for some reason was going to be very helpful for all involved.

Fiona’s friendly voice came through the headphones and we were off. Chat chat chat chat chat.

After fifteen minutes the line went dead. And this is when I discovered something that I thought I would share with you.

You know how you are listening along to a radio interview and the host will quite often say “We appear to have lost the line…” Well, the line has been lost, but it was on purpose. They book a line for a certain amount of time and once that time is up GONE. Even if you were, such as I was, in the middle of telling a fantastic yarn…. crickets. It was all very awkward as I kept saying “Fiona? Are you there?”

It took Andy a few minutes to explain how it all worked. So now I know if I am ever asked to go on radio again. Expect the dead line.

So that was yesterday. Tomorrow I am taking the boys out to the oldies place for a few days. I am planning to take them to The Hawkesbury Show, which is a sweet little event showcasing the areas biggest pumpkins, and impressive display of roses and cakes of all types. I will be buying  a Bertie Beetle showbag and I will be eating something ridiculous. It will 100% be fried.

Do you listen to the radio? What’s your favourite program?

What are you up to this weekend?