Ingrown

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“Give me something to blog about Mum…”

“My ingrown toe nail?”

Oh, I love a challenge!

Ingrown toe nails are caused by cutting your toe nails too savagely down the side. It causes a splinter of nail to grow wild and free, off on its ownsome, straight into your toe. Mum is currently suffering one, which is causing her grief and in turn is causing me grief as I have to hear about it. Fairly constantly. She is self managing this issue, with whining and complaining, plus cutting a little V shape into her nail to encourage the splinter nail to join up with the mother nail and grow in the way that nature intended.

I do not mess with my toe nails. They are as hard as nails (builder nails) and are as thick as Donald Trump. I leave it to the professionals because I have the ability to create some massive ingrown situations that require medical intervention. Have you ever had an infected ingrown nail?

HAVE YOU EVER KICKED SOMETHING REALLY HARD WHEN YOU HAVE AN INGROWN NAIL?

The feeling you get, well you would not wish it upon your worst enemy. You actually see stars. Tweetie birds fly around your head as you fall to the ground, howling in pain. It is to be avoided at all costs.

Last night, I was brushing my hair before bed when I went into Mum’s room to show her the handful of hair that emitted itself from my scalp during said brushing. I voiced my concerns that I was literally falling apart. She told me, in a round about way, to stop being such a fucking drama queen and it would do me good to lose some hair, given its yeti like texture.

Today I shall let a nice lady get out the angle grinder trim my toes. It is not a job to be envied, I must say. I am also going to seek assistance in turning my mono-brow into two tamed caterpillars and discuss moustache management and seek information regarding my newly formed side burns. It is a tough gig, this hormone surge that is trying to turn me into a man. A tough gig indeed.

Ingrown. Hair? Nails?

Let me make you a cup of tea and tell me all about it.