Why my pregnancy was not Instagram worthy.

Compare and despair. Three little words that I try to live by, which in this social media world that surrounds us, is quite frankly sometimes hard to do. News sites are now littered with stories lifted from celebrities Instagram accounts. Take for example, the DREADED DAILY MAIL. Here is todays leading story.

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Happy news! But is it news?

Celebrities getting up the duff is HUGE news. Then they like to document their gestation via social media to their adoring fans. Bec Judd is currently cooking up a pair of twins. Look at that cute bump.

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Which brings me to the point of this post. WHY DIDN’T I HAVE AN INSTAGRAM-ABLE PREGNANCY?

Well for start, Instagram was not around when I was up the duff. Had it have been, you would be able to see me looking grey and sweaty. The first few months, you could have found me in the foetal position myself, wrapped around a toilet. The smell of cooking meat would set me off for hours. If Mr. Woog had had a beer and came to bed, I would insist he slept on the couch. My sense of smell was like a beagles.

As the weeks turned into months, I stopping heaving, throwing up and dry retching and began to suffer other symptoms. Mr. Woog patiently waiting for the elusive horny hormones to kick in, alas he remained disappointed. At even a hint of romance, I would calmly tell him to go and fuck himself. This was because I had heart burn akin to swallowing lit candles. When I was not chug-a-lugging Mylanta, I was scoffing down bowls of ice cream with chocolate topping. As my stomach extended, it turned into a road map of stretch marks. And then, just to kick me right in the bag, the old sciatica reared its ugly head,

For those not in the know, sciatica is nerve pain that you get in your lower back. It feels like someone is shoving a red-hot poker into your butt. not up your butt, but your lower spine. The only way I could get any relief from it was to push my palm into it. So there I was, waddling around holding my butt. Drinking the mylanta. And the kicker my friends, the real kicker was it was like I had swollen up like a hippo. My ear lobes were swollen. My eyelashes were swollen. And I went through this palaver TWICE!

I try not to compare myself to these amazingly fit, youthful pregnant celebrities, but just once I would like to see one of them throwing up into their handbag on a bus. Please. Or instagram your piles. Trust me, it will make your far more relatable. HURL SISTER!

When you think about your own pregnancy, if you are a breeder, what symptoms did you have?

Am I sounding old and bitter?