Five things to do for superior selfies.

When my hot water system blew up last week, the hot water company asked me to take a photo of it and text it to them, so they could assess the situation.

“What did we do before iPhones?” I asked the lady.

I use my iPhone for so much more than partaking in conversations. I write notes on it. Film on it. Take photos on it. Set reminders and timers. But rarely do I take a selfie. I think that this is because I was a child of the 70’s and such an act back then would label me as being a LUVVO, or UP MYSELF. These days are completely different. You can create a business focused on your selfies, if you are hot, look good in a bikini and are twelve.

It was back in 1839 that the first selfie was ever taken. A gentleman by the name of Robert Cornelius worked out that he had time to run around in front of his camera before it shot the picture. Here he is in that photo. (Please note a total absence of duck face)

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My most memorable selfie was when I was at Melbourne Airport. I spied Mick Malloy and, as I was quite the fan back during the D Generation years, I braved up and asked him if I could take a selfie with him. As someone who must get asked this a bit, he said “Yeah but hurry up love…” and I got so flustered and nervous that I ended up taking a lovely photo. Of his shoe. I didn’t want to ask for a do-over as he seemed busy, so I have no record of our brief encounter.

He ended up sitting in front of me on the plane to Sydney. I am sure he was alarmed the whole flight that I would pester him again.

And how can we even talk about selfies and not mention the Queen!

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  1. Make sure you are standing in front of something exotic. Like a peacock in full bloom. Or a soaring waterfall. This tells people that you are interesting, glamorous and outdoorsy.
  2. Never EVER take a selfie from a “down looking up” position for you will have multiple chins and you will expose any “bats in the cave” so to speak.
  3. Flare your nostrils slightly. This will cause your top lip to tense up, ever so subtlety leaving you with a slightly protruding pout which is sometimes called a trout pout, or duck face. Either animals are encouraged.
  4. If your eyes are not bulging, nay protruding from your noggin you are not doing it right and you should be ashamed of yourself.
  5. It takes time and persistence. You may have to spend an hour trying to find the right light, and then to find the exact filter you will need to make the photo look like nothing like you at all. Superior selfies cannot be rushed, or you run the risk of looking like a complete cock womble when you share it on your social media platforms, so your followers can tell you how amazing you are. Which they cannot do if you do not airbrush your moustache off.

Are you a fan of the selfie?

Got any tips to share?