Ladies who lunch

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“How come I have put 5 kilos on in three weeks?” – The Divine Ms. M

When Mr. Woog wants to catch up with his mates, he sends them a text to see who wants to meet him at the pub. And then he goes to the pub and meets them. Done. Simple. Drama-free.

How boring.

When I want to meet up with my mates, there is a few hundred rules which need to be adhered to. Let’s for example, direct what happened yesterday.

My best mates and I settled on a date to celebrate the eldest of our tribes birthday, which happened to fall on her actual birthday WHICH HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE in our 22 years of friendship. A venue was selected without any objections and that was that. Or so I thought….

Being obsessed with the weather, I noticed that the day was forecast to be 41 degrees, and the restaurant that we had settled on was outside dining only. HORROR. I sent a text to the gals pointing out this fact, and got an immediate response from Mrs. Finlayson and the Divine Ms. M, but not Uberkate. Thus began a text chain unlike the world had ever seen before. The Divine Ms. M asked for some alternative suggestions. I just told her Air-Con. She told me that I was not very helpful, but used more colourful adjectives in getting her message across. Eventually she sent a list of suggestions and we were all like “Whatever. They all sound good….”

Then the phone rang. It was the Divine Ms. M. She was at the park with her three young kids, one of whom is a runner, and she asked me to take charge from here on as she had been trying to book a restaurant and was having no luck and it was hot and she was at the park. I sensed some urgency in her voice.

I asked Mr. Woog for some suggestions. I called all of his suggestions and basically got laughed at because it seems that everyone in Sydney had planned to go to lunch that day. Did I mention we were supposed to be meeting in two hours? Sucking back a bottle of Rescue Remedy, I phoned another.

Success! I explained to the lovely lady that we were a party of four elderly ladies and required seating inside due to the heat. I sent a text to the gals outlining the plan, and the uber order of pick up and then… breathed a sigh of relief. All done. I had saved the day. Or so I thought…..

The phone rang. It was the Divine Ms. M informing me that the favourite place, the one that we really wanted to go, had called to say that they had a cancellation and actually now did have a table for 4 at the time we wanted, and what should be do? Because, I was drunk on power, I made the call to cancel the other place and go to the waterfront restaurant because our mate was turning 44 and deserved to be treated. I called the other place back and said that we had to cancel due to “one of the elderly ladies suffered a fall….” I really just didn’t want to tell her the truth that we had got a better offer. I know. I have paved my own path to hell.

Then I texted the group telling them of the new, new, new plan and to get a move on because the new restaurant was further away than the alternative one. All texted back. Apart from Uberkate.

So when she didn’t turn up at the (new) assigned time, I started getting a little antsy. She is quite laid back, but I am a stickler for punctuality and so by the time she got to my place thirty minutes late, all laid back and calm, I asked her     “Have you read your text messages this morning?”

And no. She had not.

I explained to her the new, new, new plan as we set out to collect The Divine Ms. M. When we got there, she was doing presents with another girlfriend. Just chilling. I was all like…

FOR FUCKS SAKE WE ARE RUNNING SO FUCKING LATE FOR FUCKS SAKE I WILL GO AND WAIT IN THE CAR….

But I said it in a more collected manner. Uberkate called Mrs. Finlayson, the birthday girl, to tell her that we had ordered a separate uber to collect her, and that it was on its way and could we meet her at the restaurant because now we were all running late. Eventually we were on our way. We felt bad for Mrs. Finlayson and thought about that scene in Sex in the City, where Carrie was sitting alone at the restaurant on her birthday and everyone was running late, and then she dropped the cake on the road on her way home.

We arrived to find her laughing (thank GOD). We also realised that there was no air-conditioning, just a very hot sea breeze which we sweated in.

THE END

Does this sort of shit every happen to you?

EVERY SINGLE TIME!