Jehovah’s Witness Apocalypse


I was working away, writing as usual, last week when the phone rang. It was a fellow school Mum, a particularly fun one, calling.

“Oh goody!” I thought to myself thinking that she was calling to suggest we go for coffee and I could get distracted for a while. But she wasn’t.

“I don’t mean to alarm you…” Mrs O’Neill breathed down the line in an alarming manner. “But there is a large group of Jehovah’s Witnesses doing the rounds of the streets, and they are about to come down your path!”

Now, as a card-carrying member of Club Anxiety, when someone begins a conversation with the line “I don’t mean to alarm you….” it is pretty much inviting you to panic. Had the doorbell rang without this warning, I would have quickly raced into my bedroom and pulled on some pants, opened the door to the dozen or so callers without thought. Sure, I would be surprised to see such a gathering, but I would have politely listened to their spiel for a bit before telling them I was agnostic, but wished them all the best.

But knowing that I was about to be “swamped by Jehovah’s Witnesses” I flew into action. I quickly drew the blinds and turned off the TV and Radio. For some reason, I locked the back door. As I heard the footsteps approaching, Isobel, my rat-like dog, fucking went nutso while I retreated to the office and shut the door. Because my mind works in mysterious ways, I had visions of a Zombie Apocalypse type scenario where well dressed, very pleasant people just trying to spread the good word, trying to grab me by smashing windows, and chopping down doors….


After , what felt like forty-five hours, they figured I was not in and went on their merry way.

And so, during this holy month, I now have a firm yet cheery way to deal with religious callers. Ironically there is also a festive wreath on the door as well….


I think the smily face adds a little something something, don’t you think?

When it comes to unsolicited door knockers, do you have a tale to share?