How To Put On Weight

At our last Huffy Puffy session of the year, it was assessment day. Assessment day is when you get weighed and measured to see whether Huffy Puffy is working at all. A few years ago, I saw this shockingly overweight lady in a shop window. She looked like me, except a version of me where someone had shoved a pump up my ass and pumped and pumped and pumped until the skin had nothing more to give.

Holy fuck IT WAS ME!

I took it as a sign and began operation SHRINK then and there. Which is so hard when you love food so much.

Fuck, are you even still reading this?

Anyway, ramped up the exercise, cut back on the booze and made a few sensible food choices and over the years, well I am still a chunky monkey but there is 30 kilos less of me to haul around.

So, the last HP session, I got on the scales and looked down and you know what? I had reached my end of year goal. High five to myself. And then the switch flicked and IT WAS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG.

Operation Eat everything over the festive season began. I ate it all. Let’s get a taste of it, shall we?

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Because I am a good social media user, of course I took a lot of photos for Instagram, much to my family’s horror. SHUT UP. Anyway, did you know that even the most fanciest of restaurants do hot chips now? Sure, they are called “Hand Cut Organic Pomme frites” and they charge you $12 for them, but they HAVE THEM. Praise Jesus. And it is always ok to ask for tomato sauce to go with them. What else are you going to mop up all that JUS with?

Oh and I was partial to the odd Cheesy B from Micky Ds when the opportunity presented itself.

So, now we are home and all unpacked. This morning I was feeling like I needed to “assess” myself after my summer of extreme consumption. I pulled out the scales in the kitchen. Mr Woog walked past.

“Are you sure you want to do that?” he said. (He was a witness to most of my gluttony.)

I stood on the scales and looked down…….

I had factored in at least a 5kg gain, which was then reassessed after the great taco and beer binge to 8kgs. But the gain was a pissy 2kgs.

A CHRISTMAS NEW YEAR HOLIDAY BINGE FACTOR MIRACLE!

It makes no sense whatsoever. So now I am concerned that I have some sort of parasite living in my guts. (But honestly if that’s the case, hello little friend. Keep up the good work!)

Have you been in a good paddock this summer?

What was the best thing that you ate?