How To Embarrass Your Children


It has recently come to my attention that I am a complete embarrassment. I get told this every other day. By my oldest son.

Why just now, I came back from my walk wearing my RUN DMC t-shirt to find Horatio and his best mate Hamez on the couch.

“What on earth are you wearing?” He asks, clearly mystified.

“My run DMC t-shirt…” before belting out a few lines.

This speech is my recital, I think it’s very vital
To rock (a rhyme), that’s right (on time)
It’s Tricky is the title, here we go…

And then I did a DABĀ (The dab is a dance move in which the dancer simultaneously drops the head while raising an arm and the elbow in a gesture that has been noted to resemble sneezing) before telling him he was so CHAT and then flouncing out of the room. I am not sure what CHAT even really means, but he is always saying to me “That’s so CHAT…” So I am pretty sure it is something derogatory.

But there are so many other ways in which I have caused immense grief. Like, last week when we were in a cab to the airport and George Michael’s FREEDOM came on. I asked the taxi driver if he would indulge me in a little more volume, before Horatio pleaded with me not to join in with the lyrics. I was all like “I got the music in me man!” so I just sang very quietly in the back. I was resentful though as I hate my creativity being stifled.

I am also one who cannot walk past a pram. I love babies and toddlers and I quite often interact with strangers kids, which I suppose could be looked at as quite creepy, now that I think about it. I always say “Good morning” or “Good afternoon.” to people I pass on the pavement and I am known to pat ALL OF THE DOGS wherever I go.

All of these things? Deadly embarrassing to a thirteen year old boy. Apparently.

I also have several outfits that are EMBARRASSING, as well as quite a few hats. When we are out and about and we run to kids from his school?

“Don’t say anything and don’t do anything. Act normal.” He says through gritted teeth. I get very self-conscious about just abnormal I am. Am I walking ok? Am I likely to burst out into song? AM I COOL ENOUGH GODDAM IT!

What about you?

What do you do that is just the most embarrassing thing in the world?

Do you breathe wrong?