I am breaking up with you

Like all new relationships, it starts out with butterflies in your tummy. The joy of discovering certain exciting things, spending as much time together as you can. This is the stuff that makes magic happens.

Then, as time goes by, you shift into the comfortable. Things get easy as your new routine presents itself. There can be the occasional quarrel, but overall you are happy with the way things are progressing. It is at this point that you start to think about the future, and wonder whether you are ready for a life time commitment. You consider getting a dog together.

But in some cases, things just are not meant to be. The arguments become more frequent and you grow weary. No matter how hard you try, you just do not feel like you are being listened too. You turn to your friends for advice, and they too have been through similar experiences. It is time to pull the plug.

I am breaking up with you.

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For you are a taker. This has been a one-sided relationship for far too long and I am sick of putting in all the effort and getting NOTHING back from you.

You died in the ass at the beginning of summer, and so I called and spoke to a lovely man with a thick Indian accent and explained the situation. We spent a good hour “troubleshooting” before he advised me that indeed, you had gone to the big satellite dish in the sky. He told me, with much reassurance, that another would be on its way to replace you.

And nothing. Which didn’t bother that much because there was fuck all on the television because all the good shows had done into hiatus and there were only bad re-runs on anyway.

On the odd occasion, however, I did get resentful and I would call again, only to go through the whole conversation and be assured that they would order me another one. And that they had no idea what had happened to the last order. Perhaps they could not find my house?

Meantime, a large sum of money would come out of my account to pay you. Can you see why this relationship was doomed.

I am breaking up with you. No longer will I series link Shameless, or pause the news because the dinner is burning. But I know, deep down, that it is for the best.

Let the healing begin.

How do you watch TV?