Farewell Phillip

Is two years a good innings for a Fiddle Leaf Fig Tree? Rest in Peace Phillip. (you ungrateful fucker)

Cause of death – Unknown

Time of death – Drawn out over the past twelve months

The Fiddle Leaf fig trend has literally died at my place. Phillip, once a tall, strong, magnificent specimen struggled from day one, to fit into our family. Despite many attempts to placate him, he ended up going downhill very quickly over the summer. I would talk to him, lug him around, prune the dead and dying leaves from his woody stalk.

I would read up on this temperamental species, to see what I was doing wrong. I was doing EVERYTHING wrong! Turns out that this particular plant is as fussy as a hen with one chick. Water it, but not too much. Fertilise it but not to much. Place it is a sunny spot but NO NOT expose it to direct sunlight. Let it listen to Simon and Garfunkel for forty five minutes a day. Do not expose it to Question Time under any circumstance! Wipe its large, dust covered leaves with this spray stuff from Bunnings. Do not argue in front of it. Make soothing noises when you pass it.


So I have officially turned my back on the Fig that is the Fiddle Leaf. Fuck you Phillip, you made NO EFFORT in our relationship. Mr. Woog had written you off last year, but the romantic in me defended you, time after time. I stood up for you. I even saved you once from the Council Curbside Cleanup IN THE RAIN. Our relationship was completely one sided and I am OVAH IT.

And moving on, being a self-proclaimed botanical trend spotter, this year is all about the Dizygotheca Elegantisima False Aralia! I like the way it just rolls off ones tongue. I also like it because it is un-killable and it also looks nasty and spiky, almost like a weapon.

Have you ever been involved in the death of a house plant?

Did you feel guilty?

Did you get seduced by the Fiddle Leaf Fig?


  • Tracey

    I am very proud to announce that Gloria the Third has been with me for nearly two years now! She is a good orchid. We don’t talk about Gloria, or Gloria the Second.

  • I am NOT good with things in pots. I have watched two orchids (sequential gifts from the same person…) wither and die. Countless ferns, and even a Devil’s Ivy – supposedly indestructible. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/65ebb84644dbde193dd390a99f6d84917003402bb0080d2728afbfdd3c2f6e3c.jpg Give me a garden bed and plants, and I’ll create a jungle. Put it in a pot, and its time on this earth is limited… A potted oregano that was a housewarming gift is trying desperately to prove me wrong – having died down during the heat, but has since sent out a collection of brave little shoots, so I must stop forgetting that I’m going to plant it in the garden one cool day and give it a decent shot at a normal life!!

  • vanessay

    We tried to grow a maidenhair fern in the bathroom for ages but it failed to thrive. We thought it was dead so my husband dumped the contents of the pot in the garden behind a few other plants and it is growing away happily there.

  • Lifeandlentils

    i jumped on the Fiddy bandwagon only a couple of months ago… So far he’s kicking along nicely. Lots of new leaves and height. I do have an evil 20 year old son who has killed an indoor plant by telling in to die over and over. So Fiddy is hearing lots of kind words and is thriving. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/35ab7d267f18242a588552d26bce79ae3e36c4c1a80a11d33fc86da7cd0e97e4.jpg

    • katerina


  • I am just fucking lethal to house plants. Fuck…there goes anothery.

  • Heidi D

    I avoid indoor plants now. I kill them all. I even managed to kill a little succulent & I thought they were kill proof. I prefer my plants in the garden & they need to be relatively self sufficient to cope with my neglect

  • Jane

    In our house, we regard two years as a raging success.

  • Bravo- 2 years is an unmitigated success! I successfully kill almost any plant that is unfortunate enough to come near our house- our front garden is just a graveyard of dead flowers and inside my basil plant is on it’s last legs!

  • katerina

    i stuck one in the terrible soil we had in a plot we had many many years ago…..it grew into a huge tree….try peace lily..had the same one in our bathroom for 9 years…..

  • Jasmine

    Ha ha love it!!!!! I have a SUPER green thumb when it comes to indoor plants but I have 3 fiddle leaf figs and 1 is about to cark it………I get sooooooo sad when I kill one of my plants!!!!!!

  • Lisa Grenfell

    A rock/pebble cactus.
    It look dry.
    I watered it
    Clearly to much, as, then it rotted and died
    It was so cute, and ” unkillable”
    I have not owned another of these but look longingly every time I see one

  • Clarissa Brandt

    I have had one for 4 years that has grown HUGE. It was potted in shitty soil, sits in bright QLD sunlight for half the day. I pour one jug of water in it around once a week and I have fertilised it twice. Its nearly at the ceiling…