Grievous Bodily Harm

See that arm up there? That is mine after I was cruelly assaulted by a particularly nasty Vietnamese bug who had it in for me last week. I took a photo of it and shared it on Instagram because #inspiration. I was shocked to read comments saying that perhaps it has laid its eggs IN my arm and perhaps I should look out for hatchlings…

Now being a women with a very strong opposition to anything gross, I could NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. I am so squeamish that I once threw up in the Divine Ms M’s sink when she was describing her cat’s pus-filled cyst. I chundered without warning. Oh, and once I was in the car with Uberkate when we saw a man in the car next to us pick something out of his hair AND EAT IT! She had to pull the car over. On a busy road. While I did some seriously deep breathing.

So I have been monitoring my arm for signs of life. I am also picking at it as it heals, to make sure I have a solid scar for life and so I can tell my grandchildren in years to come, about the time I was attacked by a bug in NAM.

It has also given me inspiration to reflect on other animals that have caused me intentional harm. I have been bucked off horses at least a thousand times, once straight into a barbed wire fence. I have been nipped by a miniature schnauzer which was tied up outside a shopping centre. This has led me to believe that all mini schnauzers are evil fuckers. Seriously, if you cross the path of one, freeze and do not make any eye contact. Because you will be attacked. Not by the giant ones, mind you. Just the small ones. They are notoriously cranky. Maybe because of their stupid haircuts? Who knows.

But all of my animal attacks pale in comparison when you consider that an Indonesian Man was recently found inside a boa constrictor. Could there be a more hideous way to meet your maker? I have put my CSI hat on and tried to figure out how that might off all gone down. According to my research, it is most likely that the snake attacked him, squeezed the life out of him before swallowing him whole.

*turns green at the gills poor man*

Apart from the bug, and the horses, the mini schnauzer, the 4 bee stings, the 3 blue-bottle stings and that one time that a wasp flew down my top and stung my boobs when I was driving to uni one day, there has been another species who have me in their sights.

But it is not Spring for a while, and so I am safe to wander the streets, avoiding the schnauzers of the world, for at least the next three months. And if indeed I should cross the path of a boa constrictor, I only hope it has the sense to realise that I am like a Supersized Big Mac meal. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but halfway through, you realise that your eyes were much bigger than your stomach.

Has an animal ever tried to cause you grievous bodily harm?

  • He ate something out of his hair??? Aaaaggh! I have racked my brain and I can’t think of one single notable story of animals having it in for me. I fear I haven’t lived.

    Didn’t you once save your child from being harassed by ducks in the park whilst breast feeding your other child? And put on quite the ‘mammorable’ display as I recall? It must be in the genes.

  • I came off a horse once and was fired head first into a manure pile… Looking back, that’s probably a fortunate thing as it’s most likely what saved my neck. But at the time – apart from being in huge trouble for being on that particular horse – it was pretty gross.
    Re the magpies – memories of living in Canberra in a street that was magpie central, and the parade of little kids wearing icecream containers with eyes drawn on as protective helmets so they could get to school and back safely through spring…!

  • I was stung by a blue bottle once which is the most exotic creature to assault me. I gag when I see men spit. It’s he most disgusting thing I can think of and I’d even prefer to see someone eat something out of their hair. Love your Nam story. I hope you don’t find any eggs.

  • Never me, but a lot of people around me! My mum has been climbed by both a big monitor lizard and a possum looking for a tree (not at the same time). My brother was once spanked by a goose (no joke – it had a hold of him when he was maybe 4 and kept smacking him on the butt with its wing). Just standard stuff, y’know?

    If anything ever happens to me, it’s usually just self inflicted because unco.

  • Jane

    A goat tried to eat my dress when I was 5! I hate goats

  • Heidi D

    when I was about 3 or 4 a duck bit my bum ! I had a bee sting once when a bee drowning in a swimming pool climbed up my back & stung me. We won’t even mention the magpies outside the house we lived in about 8 years ago

  • Wendy

    I was attacked by one of our Roosters so I grabbed a stick to fend it off and it came at me again… Rooster is no longer alive – other rooster is wary of me! 🙂

  • Wanderer

    Last week, my daughter was bitten on the hand by a sweet and sassy three year old named Freya at Target. Does that count?