Who shrunk my pants and other things I have learnt

I am one of thousands and thousands of parents who are throwing their hands up in joy this morning as the kids go back to school. It seems that they have been on holidays for a month. The first few days of school holidays are always the best. Pyjamas till noon, everyone happy and lazy and relaxed. But then, boredom arrives at the door and things turn to shit. Here are a few observations I have made note of over the past few weeks.

My pants shrank.

Perhaps it was due to the fact that I have basically done fuck all in the “move your body” area. Or perhaps I can blame Netflix, of which I invested a lot of time in. Or may, just maybe, it was the tonne of chocolate, ham, potatoes, riesling, hot cross buns and bacon that I inhaled. Whatever the case, pants are shrunk.

I have no good food.

“Mum! Why don’t we have any good food?” This is to be said in a particularly whiney voice while hanging off the doors to the pantry. Despite a full fridge, a full pantry and a full fruit bowl, none of this bounty is deemed GOOD. What is this GOOD food that you are seeking son? Isn’t all food, good?

If you use the cheapest quote….

Although it seems like a good idea at the time, using the cheapest quite will always come and bite you in the ass. I present to you, my FLOORDROBE. It collapses all the time and is causing me angst.

Kids have questionable hygiene habits

Whether it be allergic to flushing the toilet, or catching them chugging milk straight from the bottle while standing at the fridge, germs are everywhere. Having kids of advanced years, you need (beg them even) to have a shower. And a real one. Not a fake one. I know this because I used to be a legend at a fake shower.

My very being is an embarrassment.

Refer to this.

Sales of savvy b expected to slump

Now that I am back to no wine on a school night. This is making me sad already.

Binge watching crap to cease and desist

Gone are the long nights under the doona, pressing NEXT EPISODE on my phone. A strict curfew is to be adhered. What have I got left to live for?

In conclusion….

It is time to get a little more routine back. And rugby training and ballet practices. Of wearing a bra. Of eating things that are green and working my way through an inbox that is backed up like the M7. Oh school holidays, I miss you already.

What about you? Are you thrilled that they are back to school?

Did you learn anything these holidays?


  • What is it about pubescent boys and their reluctance to shower and smell like a fresh spring day? Maybe as the hormones surge their olfactory senses slide away? I am looking for a polite way to say,’You stink’ cos I don’t want him to be the smelly kid and I don’t want him to feel like we are always picking on him. Any suggestions?

    • Brute force. I have been known to stand outside the bathroom yelling USE SOAP!

  • Dobba

    Sue, pls get stuck into him now. I work in IT with a lot of young blokes. One of my motherly work duties is to pull them aside and tell them when they stink. I’ve done a “daily showers, clean clothes, weekly fresh linens, clean hair/nails, rotate shoes” spiel so often I could write a book. Their future partners (and workplaces) can thank me.

    • You are doing a good public service xx

  • Dobba

    I worked through school hols. Kid’s dad is a school teacher so I avoided the daily crap but getting them back into routine and my arse out of bed in the morning is a challenge. It was a close call that I’d washed their uniforms for the first day back.

    • I made the lunches last night! Game changer xx

  • Teenage boys are just plain weird. I had one that seemed to spend all his waking hours in the shower – yes, I know what he was doing in there…mind you, he was also using up ALL the shampoo and conditioner on top of the hot water… The other one had to be strong armed in there… Then along came the stepson, who alternated randomly between those two states, and when he stank, OMG, he REALLY stank. When he was showering, there was no hot water left for anyone else, ever, and most of it seemed to be on the bathroom floor, despite and actual door on the shower – and I’ve never worked out quite how he managed that!
    All I can say is, I’m SO glad we’re past that. For myself, I’m pleased the school hols are done, because I might get Dragon Dad to the cinema now for some movie catch ups – he’s turning into a grumpy old man about people making noise during movies…GAH!…and won’t go near a cinema during the holidays.

  • Tracey

    I do not have kids so school holidays are irrelevant to me generally, but I was on holidays myself last week and I had gastro for the ENTIRE week. Shoot me now.

  • Bee

    to Mr 15 – flush the toilet, have a shower, brush your teeth, eat a banana, get off Playstation – on repeat

  • Heidi D

    What did I learn these holidays ? ……… we have no good food either, we are boring, everything is “not fair”, holidays are too long !

  • We’ve been back a week and a bit and it’s been good to get back into the routine. I indulged over the Easter holidays too. We have so much chocolate still in the house though. The only clean eating going on here, is cleaning out those chocolate supplies. 🙂

  • Week 2 and back to hectic household here too, but I can’t be too much of a moaner as I did just have 5 nights sans kids with hubby at the Great Barrier Reef. However, reality bites. Sometimes going away makes coming back even harder! xxx

  • My hubby is Japanese and so he would have a bath 5 times a day if you let him. Thank goodness my son has got the Japanese bathing genes. He showers AND he uses deodorant. I have to wind down the windows in my small car straight after a basketball game, but at least he hops straight in the shower when we get home. His friends on the other hand… he tells me that he lectures them about showers and deodorant usage. They must think he’s a complete dick 🙂