The Luxurious Period

What do these four items have in common?

According to the Australian Government, they are all considered to be luxury items. This week the Greens were unsuccessful in trying to remove the GST on sanitary products, arguing that we are being penalised for simply existing.

Us Aussie sheilas spend 300 million dollars a year trying to stem the flow, and 30 million of that ends up in the governments pocket. I cannot believe that there is a better deal for them! Earning money off our natural bodily functions, well it is just fucking genius don’t you think?

“Periods are not a luxury, and sanitary items are not luxury items. They are necessities,” so says Senator Larissa Waters who also describes the tax as “opportunistic” and “sexist”. Now I know for a fact that you cannot argue with idiots and both the Labor and Liberal party are littered with them, so lets take a practical look at the joy that it is to be a woman.

The Luxury Period Novella

“Oh how luxurious” She thought to herself as she woke up in the middle of the night with the feeling of ten thousand tiny ninjas slaying into her uterus. Although still half asleep, she made her way into the bathroom where she opened her beautiful bathroom cabinet. She admired her beautiful manicure as she extracted two (taxed) Naprogesic tablets from their little plastic prison. She swallowed those magic pills before heading to the kitchen.

Being such an affluent woman, she found her hot water bottle. As the kettle boiled, she clutched her brekky and reflected on the richness of menstruation. Once her hot water bottle was full, she retired back to bed for a few hours of opulent cramping.

As the sun rose, the floodgates opened to greet the dawn of a new day. Staggering again, back to the bathroom, the woman once again opened her bathroom cabinet. For it was time to treat herself!

“How luxurious!” she thought as she carefully unwrapped her spectacular tampon. Holding it up into the light coming through her bathroom, she noticed the craftsmanship that had gone into making her lavish tampon. “Oh go on,” her mind told her “You deserve that treat. You have earned it.”

She skilfully slipped the sanitary product up into her vagina. She realised that it was kind of a shame that one of her most wondrous and precious possessions cannot actually be shared with all the world. But she had a certain sense of smugness, knowing that she was just so lucky to have such a deluxe, sought after, high-end possession up her clacker.

Life is a special gift. Our heroine got to repeat this experience several times a day for several days in a now. Now having splashed out for the tampons, being the ultimate luxury, sometimes she questioned her investment into these statement items. Sometimes they failed her.

“Oh for fuck sake!” she would mutter under her breath in the work toilet cubicles when she would discover that her flow had beaten the point of the tampon. Luckily, she was affluent enough to carry a spare pair of reg grundies in her Chanel bag. The evidence of tampon fail was filed into the pale blue sanitary bin. Pale blue because that is the opposite of bright red. And we all know that menstrual blood is indeed, actually blue.

But she was grateful. She was an affluent woman working in the call centre of a large, insurance company. She was grateful for the income so she could indulge her extravagant hobby of selecting superior tampons. She was saving up for the most lusted after item that all the “IT” girls were flaunting in the bathrooms. She had pinned a photo of one to her inspiration board.

Oh my! The ultimate. The Tampax Pearl. Well, a gal has got to dream big, don’t you think?

Do you think tampons and pads are luxurious?