Of penis pink nails and hardware

Some people get their nails done to fill in a part of their day, where as other people, like me, treat a pedicure like a medical appointment.


For me, this is a very big commitment. You see I use the shellac polish which means it looks great for two weeks, and then terrible as I pick pick pick away at it which you shout NEVER do as it really fucks up your nails underneath. For my pedicure I just use regular old, not talon destroying polish.

About my pedicure….. how can I put this…

I always start my visit with many apologies. You see, my toenails are a study in concrete, so hard and thick plus they grow like the clappers. Sometimes I am so overdue for hoof-trimming that they hit to top of my shoe.

“Yo Princess! Why don’t you cut them yourself….”

Well I used to be able to do it but it always ended with me doing it wrong and resulting in painful ingrown toenails. Have you ever had an infected ingrown toenail? Have you ever kicked the coffee table with said toe? Well then you would know why I have handed this task over to the professionals.

It is not an easy or enjoyable task to take on, that being my feet, but I am thoughtful in the fact that I go to the trouble of shaving my legs so the nail artist doesn’t get stubble rash. Yes, I shave my legs for them, but not for my husband or anyone else.

Now getting back to the colour choice, I usually have a look at the chick sitting next to me and get the same. But yesterday, I thought I wanted pale pink, and let them choose the colour and now I have penis pink nails.

Not that I have seen many penises…. about eight.

note to self – clean keyboard you filthy animal.You have more chances of picking up a bacterial infection on that keyboard than in the nail salon.

But back to my feet. They get a good soaking in hot bubbly water while the manicurist, a lovely chap called Neil, prepares himself. On goes the mask as he goes out the back to get the angle grinder, the belt sander and the chainsaw. It was rather exciting yesterday, because he declared that my heels didn’t require shaving HUZZAH! I smugly looked at the other women getting their heels shaved. Freaks. (Usually I am that freak and need them done and I end up leaving the salon half a foot shorter.)

I will not go into minute details because I want to grow my audience, not diminish it, but I will just leave a few words and you can piece it together.

toe jam

There, I said it. Once Neil finished his workout, I am left with shiny new trotters and a fresh outlook on life.

So you may sit there and judge me for partaking in such frivolity, but I do believe that my case is clear. Medicare rebate required.

Are you a fan of Penis Pink Nails?

Do you get yours professionally tended to?

  • Jane Tomlinson

    I am so excited that my local car wash has installed a mani/pedi salon, a side business. My toes and vehicle have never been so groomed!

  • I actually like the pink colour. And I enjoy getting a pedicure, when I can get time to get them done. Having said that, your penis pink colour story reminded me of when I was getting my first car. I had to choose between a green Hyundai accent and I think a Red Barina. The sales man told me they called the name of the colour of the red car ‘dick red’. I thought it was strange but when it came time to choose which car I wanted, I didn’t want ‘dick red’. Later found out it was an in-house talk describing the colour and not the actual name of the colour of the car. Who felt the like a red dick afterwards…

  • Tracey

    I do not bother with a manicure as they never last more than about 17 hours for me. Ever. I do, however, get a pedicure every three weeks religiously, it is my therapy! Generally I ask the husband what colour I should have, as I have been doing this for so long I no longer have any colour inspiration.

  • I recently decided to have a break from my usual gel nails – OK so I wanted to play my guitar and my nails were too long so I cut them myself because I was too impatient and then wrenched everything off and I am officially an idiot and now I am waiting for my nails to repair themselves (i.e. grow out into healthy ones again). I then tried to paint my fingernails with normal nail polish and smudged it everywhere and have decided that next special occasion I am going back to my favourite ladies and demanding a good shellacking. As for my toes – I am still wearing a delightful peachy colour from…Mother’s Day – applied by my 5 year old son. Because that shit lasts forever.

  • Lisa Mckenzie

    I love a pedi too,but I’ll admit I’ve been a bit lazy this winter! Hiding in socks and boots.Love the penis pink it’s pretty,not that I’ve seen many either 😉

  • Donna

    Having had a wonderful time at Uni many years ago I can confidently say that isn’t the colour of penis’.

    My feet are too touchy to hand over to anybody.

  • Wendy

    I am having a pedi tmo for the first time in forever – am excited!

  • Mel G

    I love a pedi but I find i’m more prone to ingrown nails AFTER the procedure. Obviously I haven’t found one that cuts ’em right!

  • Deb

    I’m a big fan of pale pink nails – my favourite is an OPI gel colour called ‘Bubble Bath’. On my toes I go bright and / or dark, according to whim and fancy.

  • Rejeanne Rochon

    Always enjoy reading you Mrs. Woods.

    I am a pedicure person, usually every 5 or 6 weeks. Ingrown toenails are kept in control this way (both big toes too). They do not shave here, only use the electric buffer thingee which is ticklish like crazy but does a fantastic job. I love it, find it relaxing and feel great for a few weeks after that. And I am not allowed colours on my toenails, something to do with diabetes, I’m told.
    But were I allowed, I would definitely go for the penis pink. loll

  • I fell off a ladder at work in March & hurt my back & knees. I’m a woman of traditional build. Pre fall toe nail cutting was a delicate but doable contortion of one’s body involving the bathroom vanity & nail clippers. Post fall aforementioned contortions are not as easily managed as I can’t stretch Mt back as far or bend my knee as much to reach toe talons. I requested a podiatrist visit under workers comp. It was refused. Husband was approached to help me but he also rejected my request. Apparently, he would rather watch me give birth again than assist in this rather personal task…

  • Ms Betsy xo

    I totally agree with you, I wish we could get a rebate on medicare – I spend all my bloody money on health insurance which I hardly use – I could easily afford manicures and pedicures if I didn’t have to pay that.

  • Michelle

    Laughing hard. I also only shave my legs for the lovely girl who does my pedi – not for anyone else 🙂 I sit in embarrassed horror as she attacks my heels with a razor, with a look of intense concentration and mountain of towels to catch the skin shavings. I’ve known to say ‘I’ll have what she’s having’ when selecting colours, but basically I’m a Big Apple Red sort of girl. I had shellac on fingernails last week (first time in couple of months after too much picking of said shellac and destroying nails) – they make me happy everytime I look down at them. Plus pedi as overseas for a few days for work so had to bare my toes to the world in sandals after months in boots. The salon I go to has fancy schmancy new chairs – massage option now includes a butt massage. Plus a stand to rest your calf while they attack your heels with a razor, which is an improvement over having to find non-existent stomach muscles while you held your leg up in the air. Couldn’t do pink, and now definitely won’t ever be able to due to the image of penises for fingers… Thanks for that 😉

  • Cate Lawrence

    haha i just had a pedicure on friday. Lovely beautician who talked to me the whole time in german and didn’t mind my kindergarten level skill level. I had the electric buffer treatment too and the nails were actually dry by time I left: i can’t walk in thongs and have had man smeary polishes as a result. I too shave my legs for the beautician and no else hehe