Just give me your phone

DearĀ zombies

Dear Children,

See that photo up there? That is how we used to communicate with our friends. We would consult something that looked like this….

Then we would dial the number in a clockwise direction. When the other person’s Mum answered, you had to say something along the lines of a cheery greeting, identify yourself and ask to speak to the person whom you would like to engage in conversation, You would then sit on that little chair and have a conversation. You were generally in the hallway, or perhaps the kitchen so you couldn’t really swear or get away with scandalous stuff because someone was always listening in.

And then after a few minutes, your sibling would pitch a bitch fit because she needed to call Simone to see what Brett said about her on the school bus.

Let us not forget the tension that arrived with the special letter from Telecom advising the parents that the phone bill was due, and then there was a phone ban on LIKE FOREVER!

evil motherfuckers

Gradually the ban would slacken off until the next bill arrived and then it all started over again.

So you see my little zombies, things have come quite a long way since then. I can hand on my heart tell you both that the most STUPID THING I HAVE EVER DONE (and trust me, the list is long) was to agree that you could both have a phone. So fucking stupid. Parents if you are reading this, trust me. DO NOT GET YOUR KID A SMART PHONE.

If you are concerned about the evils and perils of the world, DO NOT GET YOUR KID A SMART PHONE!

And here are some of my reasons.

  • zombies
  • watching you-tube while taking a piss will result in parental anxiety and piss on the floor
  • watching you-tube on the phone while watching you-tube on the big computer will make you want to bash people
  • having that disgraceful boss lady from Dance Moms in the very faint background while you try to work will have you twitching with spasms
  • one simple word you will get back to every question you ask… WOT?
  • You will see role-playing inspired by some stupid American wrestling show
  • zombies
  • bad behaviour
  • zombies

BUT, it is the one, really effective tool you have to cease and desist such carry on.

Like yesterday morning when I was crushing on a deadline and you were both going for it hammer and tong in the living room. Try as I did to ignore you, it all became too much.


Sudden tech withdrawal is often experienced in the first few minutes but then, the magic happens. They actually played. Like we did. Like the good old days when the school holidays included building forts, and making swords from sticks and pegging lemons at each other.

I created this monster and so I have to take responsibility for it but I urge you GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN! IT IS TOO LATE FOR ME BUT SAVE YOURSELF!

Do you miss the good old days of telephonica* etiquette?

*totes made up word