Just give me your phone

Dear zombies

Dear Children,

See that photo up there? That is how we used to communicate with our friends. We would consult something that looked like this….

Then we would dial the number in a clockwise direction. When the other person’s Mum answered, you had to say something along the lines of a cheery greeting, identify yourself and ask to speak to the person whom you would like to engage in conversation, You would then sit on that little chair and have a conversation. You were generally in the hallway, or perhaps the kitchen so you couldn’t really swear or get away with scandalous stuff because someone was always listening in.

And then after a few minutes, your sibling would pitch a bitch fit because she needed to call Simone to see what Brett said about her on the school bus.

Let us not forget the tension that arrived with the special letter from Telecom advising the parents that the phone bill was due, and then there was a phone ban on LIKE FOREVER!

evil motherfuckers

Gradually the ban would slacken off until the next bill arrived and then it all started over again.

So you see my little zombies, things have come quite a long way since then. I can hand on my heart tell you both that the most STUPID THING I HAVE EVER DONE (and trust me, the list is long) was to agree that you could both have a phone. So fucking stupid. Parents if you are reading this, trust me. DO NOT GET YOUR KID A SMART PHONE.

If you are concerned about the evils and perils of the world, DO NOT GET YOUR KID A SMART PHONE!

And here are some of my reasons.

  • zombies
  • watching you-tube while taking a piss will result in parental anxiety and piss on the floor
  • watching you-tube on the phone while watching you-tube on the big computer will make you want to bash people
  • having that disgraceful boss lady from Dance Moms in the very faint background while you try to work will have you twitching with spasms
  • one simple word you will get back to every question you ask… WOT?
  • You will see role-playing inspired by some stupid American wrestling show
  • zombies
  • bad behaviour
  • zombies

BUT, it is the one, really effective tool you have to cease and desist such carry on.

Like yesterday morning when I was crushing on a deadline and you were both going for it hammer and tong in the living room. Try as I did to ignore you, it all became too much.


Sudden tech withdrawal is often experienced in the first few minutes but then, the magic happens. They actually played. Like we did. Like the good old days when the school holidays included building forts, and making swords from sticks and pegging lemons at each other.

I created this monster and so I have to take responsibility for it but I urge you GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN! IT IS TOO LATE FOR ME BUT SAVE YOURSELF!

Do you miss the good old days of telephonica* etiquette?

*totes made up word


  • “telephonica etiquette” should totally be known as a thing. Who can call urban dictionary (uh, from their smartphone?)

    • Also, in my house, I’m probably the zombie, so yeah, I should stop commenting.

  • Donna

    Young people are coming into my work place with no idea of telephonica etiquette. Work places will have fixed phones for a while yet so we need to teach our kids how to answer the phone. Better still make them call hairdressers/dentists/GPs to make their own appts because they need to know how to make a call too.

  • Heidi D

    for this 2nd week of the holidays we have blocked my daughters phone from connecting to the wifi. It was the only way to break the constant internet use. She really needed to find other things to do again

  • Christina

    Miss it!
    But I look for ways that my kids can get in trouble just so I can take the phones off them.
    Did I just say that out loud???
    Whoops! Mother of the Year award for 2017…..😳😊🤣

  • mrshanksy

    Yes!!! And everything has to be recorded – “say that again Mum” with the screen pointed at my face – Arghhhh!! Or “She’s taking and sending photos of me again mum!” Arghhhhh!!! I have a timed wifi set up on my airport extreme – you need the mac ID numbers of every device, but I’ve set it up so they can have it on on school mornings before they leave, in case they need log on to check school stuff then for a hour or so in the arvo than BANG – it’s off!

    They friggin hate it but I gotta say it was my most genius idea and so easy to do. You can set different times for weekdays or weekends and specially at night – unless they play a mindless game instead of anything wifi related and then you have to be like a Ninja and grab it off them!!
    And I bought old school alarms, I’m not falling for the ol “but I need my phone for my alarm!” BANG $10 from K-Mart – here’s your alarm – phones charge in one central point so you can A: stop stealing all the freakin chargers and B: I know where the phones are! *ends rant*

  • Angela

    I hear you loud and clear. I agree stay away from smart phones for as looooonnng as you can. Add to zombies ,is walking into things . We have phone rules, bans, but it is so bloody hard to monitor 24/7. Then they sneak off to another gadget and bad behavior starts again. Controlling wifi didst work, ended with me being blocked ( teens way smarter than us) and having to get the techie guyo round. I’ve tried router in my handbag when I go out but that’s a palaver to set up.

  • Kazzie

    yes! and they walk out in the traffic with phone in hand not looking and no wonder there are accidents and too texting while driving cars still goes on… *shaking my head*

  • My lovely Nanna had a black bakelite phone so heavy you could knock out a small child if you managed to swing it around and her telephone number thing was green. I would love to see that thing now filled with her polite perfect writing.