It is not a lie if you believe it

That title up there, well that is not my own work. Those words were spoken by the great George Costanza and it is totally true.

The inspiration behind todays lesson comes from one of my sons who went to great lengths last night to convince me that his phone was on my bedside table. (We have a strict HAND IN YOUR PHONE policy around these parts.) And there WAS a phone on my bedside table so I tucked him into bed and bade him a fair night sleep.


I was at the door when the message came in. I spun around and flicked on the light.

“You’re NICKED SUNSHINE!” I told him before getting him to hand over the phone which he is now banned from until his twenty-first birthday. Sneaky bugger had been putting a spare, stray dead phone next to my bed, knowing that I had no idea, before sneaky texting his mates into the wee hours of the morning. Very calculating, so I think the punishment fits the crime.

I was thinking about lying, and the ones I used to tell when I was young.

No Mum. I didn’t even know we had any chocolate even IN the house….”

But is it any wonder that kids lie? We have been lying to them for ages!

  • Easter Bunny
  • Santa
  • Tooth Fairy
  • That they will go blind if they don’t eat their carrots
  • If you pull a funny face and the wind changes, your face will stay like that

And of course there is my favourite. You must not swim for at least twenty minutes after you have eaten or drunk anything. Now I am a bit of a resort fan, so what do you do about the swim up bar? IT IS BULLSHIT PEOPLE!

Me, I cannot tell a lie to save myself. I used to be brilliant at it! I built a ten-year career in publishing all based on a lie. But these days my memory is shot to shit and to be a good liar, a sharp memory is paramount. So now I tell the truth. I am not coming tonight because I cannot be fucked. I cannot take two Chinese exchange students for ten days because I can barely parent my own children to a satisfactory level and I don’t want to hear about your tree-lopping ideas about my garden while you are standing at my front door because you look as shifty as fuck and I actually don’t feel the need to prune anything.

Despite my moral fibre being that of honesty, I did tell a little white lie yesterday when a telemarketer called me and asked to speak to me. I told her that I was her sister and could I take a message. She said she would call back the next day, and then out came my lie.

“She is actually in hospital at the moment on bed rest because she is having twins in six weeks….”

What the actual fuck came out of my mouth? Where did that even come from?

Seems there is still life in the old gal yet…

Whats the biggest lie you have ever told?

Go on, I promise I will not tell anyone?