It is not a lie if you believe it

That title up there, well that is not my own work. Those words were spoken by the great George Costanza and it is totally true.

The inspiration behind todays lesson comes from one of my sons who went to great lengths last night to convince me that his phone was on my bedside table. (We have a strict HAND IN YOUR PHONE policy around these parts.) And there WAS a phone on my bedside table so I tucked him into bed and bade him a fair night sleep.


I was at the door when the message came in. I spun around and flicked on the light.

“You’re NICKED SUNSHINE!” I told him before getting him to hand over the phone which he is now banned from until his twenty-first birthday. Sneaky bugger had been putting a spare, stray dead phone next to my bed, knowing that I had no idea, before sneaky texting his mates into the wee hours of the morning. Very calculating, so I think the punishment fits the crime.

I was thinking about lying, and the ones I used to tell when I was young.

No Mum. I didn’t even know we had any chocolate even IN the house….”

But is it any wonder that kids lie? We have been lying to them for ages!

  • Easter Bunny
  • Santa
  • Tooth Fairy
  • That they will go blind if they don’t eat their carrots
  • If you pull a funny face and the wind changes, your face will stay like that

And of course there is my favourite. You must not swim for at least twenty minutes after you have eaten or drunk anything. Now I am a bit of a resort fan, so what do you do about the swim up bar? IT IS BULLSHIT PEOPLE!

Me, I cannot tell a lie to save myself. I used to be brilliant at it! I built a ten-year career in publishing all based on a lie. But these days my memory is shot to shit and to be a good liar, a sharp memory is paramount. So now I tell the truth. I am not coming tonight because I cannot be fucked. I cannot take two Chinese exchange students for ten days because I can barely parent my own children to a satisfactory level and I don’t want to hear about your tree-lopping ideas about my garden while you are standing at my front door because you look as shifty as fuck and I actually don’t feel the need to prune anything.

Despite my moral fibre being that of honesty, I did tell a little white lie yesterday when a telemarketer called me and asked to speak to me. I told her that I was her sister and could I take a message. She said she would call back the next day, and then out came my lie.

“She is actually in hospital at the moment on bed rest because she is having twins in six weeks….”

What the actual fuck came out of my mouth? Where did that even come from?

Seems there is still life in the old gal yet…

Whats the biggest lie you have ever told?

Go on, I promise I will not tell anyone?

  • What a ripper of a lie to get back in the saddle. I can no longer lie as easily as I used to because of a little thing I fear more than being caught out – KARMA!

  • Hahaha bed rest! Twins! A+ for creativity and improv skills! I am shit at lying. I loved the line in a Lockie Leonard book (seriously – those Tim Winton stories were my tween life blood) where he says something along the lines of, “I don’t lie. I’m too lazy.”
    That’s pretty much usually me – it seems like bloody hard work to be a constant liar! The latest lie (by omission) I told was that I hadn’t taken my iPhone to a shoddy non licensed repairer (who couldn’t do anything for my dead phone anyway because it was dead so they put it back exactly how they found it) before the Apple shop…who replaced it because it was a tricky hardware fault and my phone was under warranty (so they thought – because technically I had voided it). I would have felt bad but I think seeing as my phone was literally the same as when I took it to the first place, that I could justify it. I’m probably a bad person haha. My anxiety and my fear of karma keeps me in check 99.9% of the time, though!
    Also, I have just come out of a few weeks of hiding my early pregnancy – that was particularly tough for me! I was dodging questions about my recent IVF round like a frickin’ politician! I felt awful about it!

  • Christina

    In year 9 I skipped the last day of school and went to the town pool with my friends…got sunburnt and lied to my mum…she saw right through meπŸ˜πŸ˜‚

    • Certainly an Australian rite of passage that one!

  • Louise

    We have a rule in this house that you only tell the truth and if caught lying punishment will be worse than had the truth been told. Telemarketers are the only exception though. I also say no I’m her sister and they are off on a trip around Australia and they only left yesterday. My husband tells them he’s down the far paddock on the 40 acres and he’ll get him on the radio to come to the house for the phone call. Without waiting for the reply he puts the phone down (not hanging up) and walks off.

    • I am going to steal the trip around Australia fib if that is ok. Bloody Genius x

  • Like you, Mrs W I am a shit liar, memory malfunctions all the time, but oddly I am excellent at sniffing out a lie. Must be all those years dealing with teenagers and this last year being bullied and beaten by the TMR public servants. teens lie as a way to get what they want and sometimes for self preservation. TMR employees on the other hand just lie out of habit and have I reckon been trained in delivery.

    • Poor Horatio, I was exactly the same as him at his age, so I know all the tricks xx

  • Nanette

    I can’t abide lying but geez I love his work, would have found it very hard not to laugh.

    • It was actually quite hilarious!

  • FunMumX3

    Caught out in Year 1 when I lied about eating the chocolate found in the fridge. Turns out it was chocolate laxative squares. No need to explain the rest, but I do remember my mum coming to get me at school and bringing me home before all went to *shit* (pun intended)

    • Oh my GOD! May have just snorted tea out of my nose. Brilliant xx

  • Bahahaha! We get spammy calls at around 6pm EVERY night. I can’t resist answering because it might be the Lotto people or one of my kids in trouble, but I always answer in an accent just so I can feign incomprehension if it’s a telemarketer.

    • Taking notes. THIS IS SVETLANA HERE!