Best Pissing Practices

Drain the main vein.

Syphon the python to keep the bladder gladder

Having a piss

Making a wee

Whatever you call it, I know a lot more about it today than I did yesterday. This is because our usual Huffy Puffy class was taken by a physio where we talked all things pelvic floor! Did you know that one in three women experience “leakage” on an everyday basis? I am not ashamed to say that I have been known to cross my legs when I sneeze. So I thought, let’s start a discussion on this urinely revelation!

Your bladder is designed to hold up to two cups of wee and is normally emptied between 4 – 8 times a day. A little thing called a SPHINCTER (giggles like an idiot) is the circular muscle that closes tightly, keeping the wee inside you. But then you go and get yourself knocked up and carry a couple of KG’s around which puts downwards pressure on theĀ disco pelvic floor and truly fucks up your urinary SPHINCTER (giggles like an idiot).

Now ideally you will hang a slash when you are packing a full bladder and best practices indicate then you do not FORCE the wee out, but let it naturally “drain”.

Just this week gone I was at a big event and really needed to hang a slash. The lady’s line was several metres long and I knew that the situation was grim. So I took a deep breathe, put my eyes to the floor before flinging open the mens latrine doors and making a bee line for the stalls. WHY DON’T PLACES MAKE MORE DUNNIES FOR CHICKS?

You must make sure that your bladder is fully emptied because leftover piss leaves you susceptible to bladder infections and/or urinary tract infections. Other things that can infect your plumbing is wiping. all I am going to say is never cross infect your SPHINCTERS, of which you have three. (This means holes, bum, vag and piss hole if you are unsure.)

For those of you who are still reading, thank you.

Physio told us more about best pissing practices. Never GO just in case. Practice shutting off the valve mid stream on occasion. Completely, like not one stray drop! Drink a fuck tonne of water to flush out your pipes, the paler the piss the better!

And after this lessons, we got a clenching. We were taught to SQUEEZE out pelvic floor 8 times for five seconds each followed by five BLAST clenches just for shits and giggles. Go on, do it now. I am off to make a cuppa…..

It can actually be quite taxing but gets easier if done daily and will help you not accidentally piss your pants when you laugh. Like any muscle, the more you use it the stronger it gets.

Incontinence is actually a serious social and economic issue in our country, costing 23.8 billion dollars in loss of productivity, medical and care. Some women suffer so badly that they do not leave their home because of the anxiety that it can cause. So clench away my friends!

Oh, and it is also VERY unwise to share a bottle of Vodka with three girlfriends before deciding to go for a jump on the trampoline, or so I have heard…….

How often do you take a tinkle?

And did you learn something from todays lesson?