Don’t Fuck with Phyllis

Is it just me, or is there a sniff of bitchiness and resentfulness in the air at the moment? Look, I know that the world can be a big, scary place and that the news seems to be always bad, but christ on a cracker can we all take a Xanax and have a good lie down already?

They say smile and the whole world smiles with you. They also say fart, and you will remain alone.

Ok, so yesterday I was at K-Mart with pretty much the rest of the world. Looking around, everyone looked like they were waiting for the firing squad until I ran into my neighbour Anita who LOVES K-Mart and was buying things for an upcoming toga party. K-Mart? Is there anything you don’t sell? So we had a little yarn and I apologised to her if she heard my apocalyptic scream-a-thon from a new nights ago, and she admitted that she heard nothing. (She must have been out at the time).

We bid adieu and I wandered around as lonely as a cloud looking for upcoming birthday gifts for a few parties that Jack has coming up. I swear that boy is more social than Roxy Jacenko. I also threw this into my trolly because I am going to Thailand next week and I picture myself galavanting coquettishly across the sands in it, whereas in reality, when I got it home, I realised that it will be, in essence, nothing but trouble. #chafe

Now, for those in the know, K-Mart has recently undergone a transformation at its Chatswood store. I, being a gal that does not like change, have taken some time to get used to it. All of the checkouts are in the middle which goes against my natural sense of calm and order. I lined up in the queue and when I got to the top of the line, an assistant motioned me that a self serve checkout was available. Self serve checkouts and me do not mix AT ALL because I confuse easily and always have to ask for help, making the whole transaction as long as an episode of The Bold and the Beautiful. I let the person behind me go ahead, as I waited for a breathing human to assist me.

“Next please!”

I walked across to the counter and we made some delightful small talk as Phyllis began scanning my items.

“So, how do you like the new store layout?” I asked

Phyllis admitted that it had taken some time to get used to it. She had been working there for ten years.

“Do you get anyone complaining about it?” I enquired

Phyllis’s’ eyes flashed as she went into a lengthy explanation which occurred recently, when some middle aged man yelled at her about the new store layout and announced that “He would never set foot in K-Mart again!” But Phyllis was not having a bar of it.

She told me that she told the cranky man that she, personally, had nothing to do with the change of layout and if he stopped shopping there, she might be out of a job. She explained that for the past ten years, for four days a week, she got the 6.15am train from Turramurra to arrive at the store by 7am. Then, she set up the cash-registers and cheerily worked her shift until 3pm. She also told the bloke that she was 70 years old, and if he stopped shopping there and she lost her job due to staff layoffs, then she would be forced onto the pension, therefore HE would have to work even harder to pay more taxes so that she would spend her days watching her stories and doing endless crossword puzzles.

I liked Phyllis immediatly.

Phyllis then went on to tell me that I was totally being ripped off by having to pay $5.50 “transactional charges” on the gift cards I had selected.


In closing, may I say that your words and actions have deep and dire consequences on others. So think before you speak mmmmmkay?

Do you think Phyllis needs a promotion for sensible logic and reasoning?

How are you going? Cranky, or smiling with the world?