How to be a Beauty Blogger

Do you know what this blog is missing? Posts about beauty. Beauty bloggers are a lucky bunch. They get sent so much shit and get invited to exclusive events on fancy yachts to celebrate a new eyeliner. They go to revered eateries to marvel at a newly released eyelash perming kit. And they all tend to look like this.

super famous super beautiful Aussie Chloe Morello

Not only are they the new supermodels, the also make BANK! LOAD O BANK! So with Christmas coming and all those bills that need paying, I am going to throw my hat into the Beauty Blogging Ring. A ring that is dusted with fine, translucent powder and finished with a slick whip of organic whale sperm lip gloss.

You might have noticed my absence last week. I had a bit of a bloggy break while I sat on a beach in Thailand while contemplating my navel. Like literally, looking at my guts. My body is indeed a wonderland. Always something to pick at and play with. Anyway, I didn’t look in the mirror once and it was a marvellous thing. I banked sleep that week, like I was sleeping equivalent of John Symonds. That is my number one beauty tip. Sleep. Get onto it!

Anyway, I came home in a cloud of blissful relaxation, with a light tan and a re-calobrated brain, which meant I had a pleasant demeanour for at least 48 hours.

And then I looked in my magnifying mirror. I was like a Monet painting, as Cher says. I was ok from a distance, but up close, I was a big old mess.

Which brings me to my point.

Why, oh why, do I want to add hair to my eyebrows while removing hair from my lip. But it need not be like that. It DOESN’T have to be like that. So here are my two hacks.

Maybelline Tattoo Brow

Nair Mo Removal Cream

Now, just to be clear I gifted these items to myself. They both get the FIVE STAR WOOGIE DOUBLE THUMBS UP CHAMPIONSHIP SASH as far as doing what they said they will do. Which is to make my eyebrows thicker and my moustache disappear. Well, it all but disappeared but I DID need to get the tweezers out to remove a particularly stubborn, wiry black pube like whisker that was not budging. Kim Jong-Un couldn’t get that fucker out with all his arsenal at the ready.

Like, I literally put my shoulder out, but eventually I got there.

And that tattoo stuff? Well you paint it on and get a bit of a shock when you look at yourself. After fifteen minutes you peel it off and GURL YOU GOT ON FLEEK BROWS! Particularly good at dyeing any grey brows (Which you will get, Chloe Morello, once you hit 44).

Apply both treatments at once, and you too, can look as glamorous as moi!

So there you have it. My first foray into the world of Online Beauty. The first dipping of my hairy toe into the fast paced world of cosmetically enhanced wonder. Look out for my next experimental post in which I will show you two ways that you can remove nostril hairs. Yes, you can have a nose that doesn’t look like there are 55 flies chucking an orgy up your snozz. It involves hot wax and medicinal vodka.

Do you have a secret beauty hack that needs to be shared?

Are your brows still recovering from the 1990’s?