How to Survive the Festive Season without being restrained with a straight jacket and taken away.

There is no denying that we are in the thick of the festive season, which I believe started back in July when the local RTA put up a Christmas Tree for you to look at while you wait to get your license renewed. And while it is a magical time for children, we are of the age now ladies, where the christmas baton has been handed down to our generation which brings with it all the stress and hectic-ness that will now make sense that your Mum was drunk as fuck by 5pm Christmas Day.

For me, I have an anxious persona that appears when I get stressed. So to stave off stress I ordered a punching bag back in November and could not hang it up. So Mr. Woog said he would do it. It now lives in the Thunderbox with the skis so I get to kick the crap out of which is not the same thing. But, at least it is something.

I also try to meditate every day. Why, just this morning my online meditation dude invited me to picture myself in the centre of a sports area on on the stage at a concert hall. So naturally, I chose the Opera House, for I was a world renown singer. The hall was empty as he told me that I could hear oncoming steps. A shadow of a figure emerged as meditation dude asked me to tell him who it was. It was supposed to be an idol of mine related to my area of expertise.

Holy Shit! It was Barbara Streisand! She approached the stage and gave me a few pointers on my performance. I was a little pitchy in the opening of “Raining on my Parade.” She encouraged me to move around the stage a little bit more before taking her leave.

It was legit the strangest meditation I have ever done, but it was also one of the best. I am listening to her now as I type.

According to Psychologist Dr. Jenny McGee, 35% of Australians will report a significant rise of anxiety around this time of you and I firmly place my finger at two culprits.

Before you total time suckers came along there was no such thing as a CHRISTMAS THEME! You just dusted off all the crap that you had collected over the years and VOILA! Christmas was done. Now there seems to be almost a competition out there in social media land (Which is a mythical place by the way) and people will post things like this…

So embarrassed about our tree this year #christmasfail

Our tree was dragged out and I got the reluctant family to put the decorations on while yelling things like “There will be Christmas Spirit in this house until the moment that you drag the Target bauble out of my cold, dead hands….” And then there was a massive blow up.

So relaxing.

But with the big day fast approaching I thought I would share some insights as to what to do at your family gathering.

When your bitchy old aunty tells you that you must have put on a good, well, let’s say ten kilos since last year, thank her and tell her that you are in training for the 2020 Tokyo Olympics and you are hoping to take out the Sumo Gold. Later, casually push her into the pool.

Text everyone on the morning of Christmas Day and let them know you have conjunctivitis, laryngitis, a yeast infection and  a boil on your privates but the doctor things you are 3% non contagious. And that you are looking forward to seeing everyone real soon! SMILY FACE EMOJI

When your cousin gives you a box of Roses with an expiry date of 2003, thank then and quickly re-gift them to your fattist Aunty.

Ham. Eat lots of it because ham should be for life, not just for Christmas.

When asked what you will be providing for the table, immediately tell them the seafood. Then dispatch husband on Christmas Eve to go get said seafood BECAUSE YOU DO FUCKING EVERYTHING ELSE FOR EVERYONE AND WITHOUT YOU NONE OF YOU WOULD SURVIVE.

Start your day in a festive way with ham on toast, lashing of butter and this. Wash it down with my nutritious Banana Smoothie.

Grab your blender and to it add the following.

  • One frozen banana
  • One cup of Milk
  • One cup of Malibu
  • Half a put of Cottees Chocolate Cordial

Blitz for a minute and sip slowly over the course of 90 seconds.

When it all gets too much, do some simple breathing exercises. I suggest inhaling some rum balls for 6 seconds. hold for 5 seconds and then swallow for 2 seconds. It is a very easy and discrete way to bring your body back into a calmer state.

Do NOT bring up the Facebook fight that you had with your cousin because she put something up on Facebook about Gay Marriage will mean the Safe Schools Program will turn our children into sexual deviants and when pressed on where she got her evidence from she sent you a speech made by Lyle Shelton. Now is not the time. Wait until atleast 6pm when you have both had a skin full. It will make much more sense then.

When it comes to Christmas Day, what is in your survival arsenal?