With every trip around the sun I take, my body makes slight changes. Like yesterday, I noticed two small, dark red dots had appeared on my forearm. I pointed these out to a mate and asked her what she thought they were.

“Darls,” she said in her matter of factness, “You are getting old and your skin is thinning….”

Jesus! Talk about a straight talker! But she was right. My skin is thinning, my eyebrows are thinning but something is not thinning and if you are of a delicate nature please click away right now.




My toenails are not thinning. My toenails are as tough as nails, thick as bricks. If Trump pressed the button the only thing that would survive the planet would be Barnaby Joyce’s hypocrisy, and my toenails. And it is because of these nails and their toughness I have to get a pedicure every few weeks as I don’t have the strength to sort them out myself. It is actually a medical procedure.


Which brings me to yesterday. I presented myself to one of the local nail establishments where I was told to pick a colour. Simple hey? Go over to a wall of nail polishes and wait. And look. And look. And look. And suddenly this decision becomes the most important decision in my life. I consider myself to be quite accomplished in many areas of my life. I am a good person. I have written a book. I run my own business and I can tie my own shoelaces.

But I couldn’t choose a fucking colour for my bloody toenails.

Eventually I chose Russian Navy, which is a really dark black blue colour.

I sat in the special chair, whacked my feet into the warm water and turned on the massage mechanism. Ahhhh bliss! Someone handed me a magazine and I read about how Meghan and Kate’s BEHIND THE CASTLE DOORS CAT FIGHT which I do not believe for one second! The manicurist started to get to work while I apologised for the state of play at the end of my legs. She fired up the angle grinder and got to work.

I looked around and checked out the colours that everyone had chosen and then this made me doubt my OWN choice, which is a very big decision. I know you are nodding along. There was this pretty young thing next to me with long olive legs, getting her toes painted a lovely nude colour.¬†Do You Take Lei Away…..

“I’ll have what she’s having….” I told the lady. As she began to paint my nails I shut my eyes and did some meditation while my back got pummelled and my trotters got polished. When it was all over I opened my eyes and oh my YUCK. My feet looked like those of a dead body that had been pulled from a river after it had spent 4 weeks missing. If you are really keen, there is a photo on my Instagram account.

Since then I have learnt that NUDES only look good on your fingernails NOT your toenails unless you are a pretty young thing with long, olive legs which is EXACTLY why they make better “Influencers” than me. Because I write about thick toenails and second guessing life’s biggest decisions.

When it comes to nail polish, what is your GO-TO colour?

Or do you not bother with such frivolities?