How to Meditate


Meditation is so hot right now. And Magnesium. And because I am a joiner, I partake of both. Magnesium I will save for another day, but in todays lesson, I am going to share with you how I meditate.

  • Choose one of the dozen or so apps on your phone that you downloaded because everyone you speak to about meditation has an app that they swear by. Don’t spent a lot of time choosing which one to do.
  • Inform the rest of your family of your intentions to meditate and therefore cannot be disturbed. Notice that no one listens.
  • Dim the lights in your bedroom and pull down the blinds. Remove the dog from your bed and shut the door. Now, you are ready.
  • Light the candle next to your bed that Country Road gave you as a Christmas Present because of customer loyalty. Light only two of the three wicks because you kept nearly burning your hand in an attempt to light the third. Brush off OCD pangs because the third wick is not lit.
  • Lay on your bed, remove your glasses and hit PLAY. A person will tell you how relaxed you are going to be and to gently, close your eyes.
  • Breathe deeply through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Do this about fifty gazillion times.
  • Ignore the scratching sound of the door. Zen up.
  • Feel your feet relax and wonder whether you should have asked that man at a meeting last week to stop clicking hit pen. Like he did it straight for a fucking hour before I asked him to stop and then we had a bit of a slanging match…….
  • “When your mind wanders off, that’s ok. Just bring it back into the present….”
  • My calves are starting to relax, breathe, breathe, breathe door opens “What’s for dinner Mum?” GET OUT I AM DOING MY RELAXING JESUS H CHRIST!
  • “Focus on what you can hear.” and I note I can hear the gentle hum of the air-conditioner, a distant bird calling and the sound of a glass being smashed in the kitchen followed by a heated debate about blame….
  • Scratch, scratch, scratch….
  • Big deep belly breaths now, breathing deeply, in through the nose…. hold…. out through my mouth. “Notice the sensations of the breath…” but I cannot because I am trying to work out when my period is coming because I am thunderously angry at everyone and everything and despite actually being in the moment of that meditation, you notice how fucking irritating the mans voice is. And patronising. “It’s perfectly fine to lose focus, just bring your mind back to the present…..” 
  • I bet your mind never wanders Michael, because you are so fucking perfect. And relaxed. Dipshit.
  • Focus.
  • Think about work.
  • Think about why my husband STILL HASN’T PUT UP THE FUCKING PUNCHING BAG.
  • Think about cigarettes
  • Breathe and focus on my shoulders, and try to remove them from my earlobes…..
  • Door opens. Husband comes in fresh from the shower with a towel wrapped around him and tells me that the vacuum cleaner just broke and to wear shoes in the kitchen and did I think Mrs. Goodman was home and if she was, do you think she would lend him HER vacuum cleaner and then stood there waiting for an answer…….
  • Weeps into pillow.

What to you do to relax?