Why I got divorced

Oh look at you, clicking onto that headline in anticipation of some decent gossip! That’s ok. When a blogger gets divorced it can be BIG NEWS! Like when Heather and Jon decided to separate, they had to handle the media’s interest in their split.

Mr. Woog and I are unlikely to divorce because we have an arrangement in place that whoever leaves has to take the kids, so it is like our very own insurance policy.

But we did get divorced about ten years ago.

Sleep Divorced.

It was by pure accident. I used to watch television in the spare room, and quite often I would fall asleep in there. Not any sleep. THE BEST FUCKING SLEEP IN THE WORLD! And Mr. Woog would also wake up having had the best sleep in the world. And then we both realised that we were a lot nicer to be around because of uninterrupted sleep. We realised we were incompatible in bed.

Not in the grumpy, pumpy areas! (not that that is any of your business blush demure cover up that ankle you slag) The actual art form of sleep. Together we are the perfect storm. I like to lie in bed and watch Netflix until about ten thirty while Mr. Woog is like a toddler who goes to bed at nine. He likes to get up at the sparrows fart where I am more casual in the manner in which I attack the day. We both enjoy snoring but not so much the fact that we wake each other up a few times every night, hissing through clenched teeth “FOR FUCKS SAKE ROLL OVER….”

I like to spray my pillow with Lavender, while Mr. Woog gets hysterical, claiming that it is carcinogenic. I enjoy listening to a soothing meditation and meditations make Mr. Woog irritable. Oh the IRONY.

We are not alone. It is believed that one in four couples enjoy punching out a few zzzz’s in their own space. It is a growing trend with houses now being deigned with two master suites! Oh how fancy. Imagine, having your own bathroom. One can dream.

Now sleep deprivation is very much linked with negative health outcomes and can make one moody and irritable. Since our sleep divorce, we are much nicer (and kinder) to each other, unless it is shark week and then all bets are off. On the weekend Mr. Woog will bring me coffee and the papers in bed and will jump in for some social intercourse (aka a chin wag). People raise their eyes when the fact of the matter comes up that we have our own bedrooms, but that’s ok. What works for some people does not work for others.

It’s not set in stone. Holidays are different, same when we are travelling. Mr. Woog is so good at falling asleep that once, when we were living in London, we were on the tube having had a corker of a barney so I had the shits with him. He fell asleep straight away and he annoyed me so much that when our stop came, I got off and left him to it. He got home a few hours later.

So if your partner is a dud in the sack (and again, we are talking sleep here), it is perfectly fine and socially acceptable to kick them out. For it was Anthony Burgess who famously said, “Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore, and you sleep alone.”

What is your current sleeping situation?