Kissing Toads

Like many of you, last night I sat on the couch with a girlfriend, clutching a glass of wine and looking on in horror as JUSTIN sprang a pash on Carly on that show Married at First Sight, which I will never declare publicly that I watch it because I am far too high brow for such low rent television. Please keep that tidbit to yourself.

My teenaged son Horatio was also watching.

“EEEWWWWWWWW” was the cry from the couch. And then of course because we are such sadistic bastards we rewound the scene and played it over again. My mate and I then took it upon ourselves to give Horatio some pointers on kissing which did not involve jumping on someone from afar and shoving your tongue down their mouth until you can lick their liver. Horatio gave me a look that could kill The Terminator and quickly left the room.

I recall my first kiss. It was with my “boyfriend” and occurred at the end of Year 8. He was a little older and quite a bit shorter than me. It was a lovely kiss, and it must have been because we pashed on that couch for what felt like a fortnight. It was just a pash, nothing more but it was terrific fun!

My next boyfriend was like the Gold Medal Olympic Champion of Pashing, but as Brian Johnson once said, A kiss is an application on the top floor for a job in the basement, and although he was the perfect candidate for the job, I was not yet ready to really become a woman. Being sixteen and all. That job was escalated to a more suitable candidate the following year. 

My unwillingness to let the Gold Medal Olympic Champion of Pashing play in my lady garden swiftly led to me being unceremoniously dumped via phone. Classy.

But then I went on to kiss plenty of fellas, experiencing the lizard (darting tongue in and out) the slug (leave that one with you) and the washing machine (which was basically just sucking face).

ALL OF THOSE PRACTICES NEED TO BE BANNED! IT IS GROSS AND NOT SEXY AND JUSTIN YOU ARE NOT BEING SEXY WITH YOUR PASHING STYLE.

There were several stand out, fireworks, stomach fluttering candidates and a few toads which, despite my attempts at re-education, could not be rehabilitated.

But back to kissing. It is a grand practice of affection. But I have to ask you, when is the last time you had a good old pash?

Tell me about your first kiss?