How to piss off a teenager

Oh adolescence. What a mystical, unpredictable, somewhat stinky beast you are! When I first started blogging ten years ago, the internet was littered with the new wave of Mummy Bloggers and I fit that to a tee, as I had a toddler and a kindy kid and they were cute and funny and I shared their little stories.

But we also used to have a good old bitch about the lack of sleep, the monotonous-ness of it all, the Groundhog Day feelings and endless hours at the park. The fact that you happened to drink a hot drink to the end of that hot drink and it was still hot was something to be celebrated. Oh those days where you say to yourself “Things will be easier when they are older….”

“Give me your baby, your toddler. 
Your tantruming three year old yearning to break free,
Your inability to get a park near the park.
Send these, the hopeless, dummy-tossed, to me:
And I shall give you the ungrateful teenager.” – Mrs Woog as inspired by Lazarus

Having kids in high school would have to be one of the biggest mind fucks that I have been gifted. Being an adolescent myself, two score and eight years ago, I did juvenile delinquency extremely well, so well in fact, that I wrote a book about it. Click here.

But enough about me. Let me share with you some of the things that, in my own experience, tend to piss off teenagers. Please not that I adore my sons and my tongue is firmly in my cheek, so no sanctimonious smug parenting judgement comments please.

  • Your actual existence
  • Asking them to sort and fold the washing. This is a BIG FUCKING DEAL DIDN’T YOU KNOW I AM NOT TOUCHING HIS UNDIES.
  • Ask them how their day was
  • Ask if they have homework
  • Request that they up the ante on the deodorant situation
  • Tell them that we are having sausages and salad for dinner
  • Speak at all
  • Breathe
  • Try to watch television with them
  • LOSE YOUR COMPLETE SHIT WHEN THREE OF THE ABOVE ARE CARRIED OUT IN ONE AFTERNOON AND REMOVE TECHNOLOGY AND GROUND THEM “UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE” AND THEN GO TO YOUR ROOM, THROW YOURSELF DOWN IN THE MOST DRAMATIC FASHION WITHOUT PUTTING YOUR NECK OUT, AND WEEP UNTIL MR. WOOG COMES HOME TO THE CHAOS….” or so I am told.

I think the tricky thing that I am learning is what is bad behaviour and what is hormonal and I would hate to think what I would do to whichever higher power decided it was a good idea to put a peri-menopausal woman and a a couple of puberty ravaged teenagers under the one roof. But it would involve and cattle prod and a big, jagged stick with nails hanging out of it.

Husband is away and that was a long weekend, hence the above.

So, enough with the cute babies! (never, give them to me)

Lets talk about teenagers! Are yours amazing and perfect?