A blog post for close friends only….

 

Can you believe it was just months ago that I wrote THIS and now my date with Dr. Wines is nigh. Not only is he removing two screws from my leg, a suspect lump is growing at a rapid rate and needs to be disposed of as it is ruining my chances of become Miss Australia 2018. This is all going down on Friday.

I am having day surgery under a general anaesthetic. Being a nervous Nelly, I did a little research and I am pleased to announce that only 4 people per million die from complications from a general anaesthetic  BUT I want it to be publicly known that if I do draw that short straw, THIS needs to happen to the soundtrack Bat of of Hell by Meatloaf.

Now that we have covered the unpleasantries, let’s look at the positives.

I am not to move for three days! Three whole days of bedrest sounds like a dream to me. I am not to cook, clean, fetch things for small humans or even speak to anyone if I choose.

Now back to being under a general anaesthetic got me thinking about making the most of that situation. I am hoping to arrange a waxer to come in while I am knocked out, and wax off all the hair on my face. Then, I want to get my eyebrows “feathered”, which is just a nicer way of saying tattooed. While this is all happening, I want my GP to get busy and do my pink slip. Pink slip is what I call a breast check and a pap smear.

I have a little problematic situation unfolding on my lady garden that requires some attention. DAMN YOU INGROWN HAIR! So while I am under I need Mrs Goodman or the Divine Ms. M to lance that motherfucker, as these two get great pleasure from this procedure if history is to be recognised. This will restore my elegant gait as at the moment every step is like a stabbing in my groin.

All of this of course will be done while I teach myself how to speak French via subliminal learning tapes, so when I wake up in recovery I can announce…

“Louez Jésus que je suis toujours en vie!” (Praise Jesus that I am still alive!)

When is the last time you had a general anaesthetic?

And what was it for?