Mrs Woog applies for Love Island

There is currently a show on television called Love Island. It is set in a Villa in Spain. The easiest way to explain it, is that it a bit like musical chairs for single people. They have to pair up at the end of the week, and if you don’t get BAGGED, you get chucked off the island.

If you publicly admit that you have watched Love Island and you are in my age group, people will judge you. But I am sure you lot are more open minded than that…

To be a part of the cast of Love Island, it appears you need to be white, surgically enhanced in some way, tattooed and have an IQ of less than 70. But on the weekend I noticed on Facebook that they are still accepting applications to join the gang on Love Island, I thought I would apply.

Now the application process is taking me forever. You have to enter your name, date of birth, confirm that you are an Australian Citizen, confirm your ethnic background, give your height, your weight and your occupation (most are Instagram fitness models or wellness warriors.) You also have to let them know how many Instagram followers you have.

You need to be open about the levels of horniness you have floating around your body.

You need to let them know what your last relationship died of.

You are required to write an essay on the following topics.

  • Have you ever been in love, or found the person you thought was “the one”? Tell us about it…
  • How do you like to spend your time, include your hobbies and interests?
  • In 50 words or fewer, please write a dating profile for yourself.

Then you have 3 opportunities to upload photos of yourself. Then there is a BIG focus on interests and hobbies.

It is taking me FOREVER to get through the process, but basically it reads like this.

I want to come to Love Island to smack some sense into these genetically blessed youths who are parading around in next to nothing, wriggling their perky bums at the camera, and remind them about the Slip, Slop Slap campaign. I want to workshop with them, on words that they can use rather than CONNECTION. I would like to swan around the villa in a sensible short and a sensible shoe.

I want them to explain to me what VIBE and VIBING mean. I want to show these ladies what a body looks like when it has spat out a few kids, albeit 20 years down the track. I want to show them what a stretch mark looks like! And what an ingrown hair can do.

I want to give them all a rashie and insist that they wear them.

A want to have some serious words with a few of them about self esteem. I want to tell the short bloke that if a girls quite likes him and would pick him if it was not for his vertical challenges, is that she is a shallow person and you are better off without her.

I want to share with them my thoughts on the evils of endless exercising, and why are they never shown eating food? I want to make them a lasagne.

To apply yourself, please click here.

Do you think I should start packing?