Driving in the Dark

Welcome back to one of my strange parallel theories that comes about because I have a very over-active imagination and far too much time on my hands to explore them.

This mainly happens at 2.45am while I lie in bed, but more about that later.

Ok, so when you are born it is a bit like a brand new car rolling off the assembly line. Many people have been involved with your completion. A sperm, and egg, a factory known as a uterus and then finally a team of specialists to put on the final touches and make sure your completion runs as smoothly as possible.

Midwives and obstetricians.

And so you spend the first part of your life (hopefully) running very well and get going in for “maintenance” when required or for regular servicing. (I call this minor infections and vaccinations.)

You have your body, which through your teens can change. Minor scrapes and bingles are a bit like growing pains and acne. You might chuck a tantrum (get a flat tire) occasionally but all in all, you are running fine.

But over the years, things start to present itself, which means you spend more time at the mechanics (doctors) who will run tests to find out why you are not working as well as you once were.

Your insurances go up.

Your pink slip becomes your pink bits slip, as you have a regular pap smear and mammogram.

You become moody and temperamental. You may refuse to start with no obvious reason.

And as the years fly by, you might need to get a new knee. I call this a busted suspension.

Dodgy mechanics might try and up-sell you a miracle in a bottle, and you politely decline purchasing a green smoothie recipe.

Your engine may shut down – heart surgery.

Your breaks might fail – substance abuse.

Your gearbox is grinding – welcome arthritis!

You might need some panel-beating – this is called botox.

Your stereo system might start playing up – hello hearing aids!

So I hope that you can start to see the correlation.

But where does this leave me? Well, by friends, my radiator IS SHOT TO SHIT AND I CANNOT REPLACE IT.

It mainly happens when I am “driving” at night. I can be purring away, sleeping like a newborn Honda Getz when all of a sudden I rev up, overheating. I lie there, tossing and turning (stalling and spluttering) so I try to pour in some coolant – MAGNESIUM AND WATER before trying to get back into some sort of slumber. And when I cannot get back into the garage, I lie awake and think about bullshit to write on the internet.

These are just a few of the things that we can expect before the mechanic shakes his head and calls the wreckers.

If you were a car, what would your mechanic suggest to get you back onto the road?