How to sleep

INTENTION

Ten pm would see me mindfully brushing my teeth while reflecting on what I am grateful for. Following this, I take a magnesium tablet, rub magnesium oil on the soles of my feet before getting into bed. Pop on a sleep meditation and drift off within minutes.

REALITY

Fall asleep, fully clothed including bra, on the couch in front of Q and A. Wake up as it finishes and hit the hay, leaving a trail of clothes in my wake.

INTENTION

A full night of solid sleep, including that super important REM stage which means when you wake up you are ready to start you day, achieve your goals, write your lists and check on the fermentation of your kombucha.

REALITY

Lie awake for some considerable time trying to convince your brain that now is NOT THE FUCKING TIME TO DO A MENTAL AUDIT ON EVERYONE WHO DID YOU WRONG. And just as you appear to have won the argument and your lids get heavier and you are just about to get to sleep, you stumble off the kerb in your brain and you jolt like you have been electrocuted. This can happen several times before you finally sleep.

INTENTION

Nothing. You are asleep.

REALITY

HOLY FUCK YOU ARE ON FIRE! You are sweatier than Darth Vader in a S&M store. Jesus, throw everything off, bedcovers, sheets, pillows, jimmies, nothing can touch you. Go back to sleep immediately.

HOLY FUCK ARE YOU ACTUALLY DYING OF HYPERTHERMIA? Gather up everything from the floor and make yourself stop shivering. Go back to sleep immediately.

INTENTION

Nothing. You are asleep.

REALITY

LEEEEEGGGGG CCRRRAAAMMMMMP! And there you are. It is 3am and you are fully awake. Like, you have NEVER been so awake in your life. Is the lag cramp a sign of something more sinister?

And so it begins.

Yes, I do remember when that kid in year 11 told me that I had the worlds biggest ass. I wonder whatever happened to him. No, now is not the time to look him up on Facebook. Sleep experts say screens in bed are the devils work….

Well, look at you, you overweight balding nasty prick! Click employment. Oh you work at something called Allsopp Vending. So you fill up vending machines. YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN NICER TO ME AND PERHAPS YOU MIGHT HAVE YOUR OWN JIM’S MOWING FRANCHISE! Karma, she is quite something.

While I am awake, I may as well check the news….

WE ARE ALL DOOMED!

INTENTION

With my natural sleep cycle coming to an end, I enjoy a fictitious tryst with Jamie from Outlander, a show you have never seen before but he has been imprinted on me because I am staying with Mum at the moment as she recovers from knee surgery and she keeps instructing me to “Just look at him darling! every time he appears on screen. Everyone is quite satisfied with the outcome of the romp, it would seem.

REALITY

Seethe, and plot revenge on BIG BUM COMMENT BOY for a while before falling into the deepest sleep, the sleep that can usually only be achieved with the assistance of an anaesthetist. it is a splendid seven minutes before my alarm springs to life with the chirpy tones of my beloved George singing “As” with the assistance of one Ms. Blige.

Wake up tired as fuck.

And that is how I sleep.

How do you sleep?