What’s in my makeup bag and other really interesting things!

It was only five years ago that some of my biggest clients were beauty companies. But then a few things happened.

I got older and wrinklier.

Instagram sprung up and people could filter themselves so they looked HAWT.

I got older and wrinklier.

And so the work was whisked out from under my feet. BUT NOT BEFORE I GOT TO DO SOME SUPER CRINGEY PROMOS!

There was also another ad that I did for Garner Micellar Water which was so dreadful that I cannot find it anywhere. I suspect Garner just paid my invoice and then sent the video into the bowels of hell. Still, I endorse that product. Tis marvellous.

But I kind of miss playing with products and make up. My own collection of make up has slowly been raided by one of my off-spring who is planning on being a beauty vlogger, so all I was left with was some very old war paint. I have a very special gift of choosing the wrongest colour for my foundation ever, I could advise Donald Trump in this area. Also, my eyesight is shot to shit so when I did attempt to do “special going out makeup” more often or not I looked like this.

And I was sick of looking like that so about a month ago, I journeyed into a Priceline Pharmacy (perhaps one of my favourite stores ever), hunted down the sales assistant with the nicest makeup on and threw myself at her feet. The fourteen year old assured me that she would sort me out.

Can I just point out at this point that NONE OF THIS POST IS SPONSORED BY ANYONE because, you know… #old.

I was sat down in front of a mirror, which is never nice, and she played with my face for a bit, smearing stuff on before standing back and critiquing, then wiping it off and starting again. After about half an hour I looked in the mirror. I had glowing skin! I had no pores! I had instagram-worthy eyebrows and I HAD CHEEKBONES GODDAM IT! I have been using her suggested products for weeks now, and I thought in my bid to get back into the beauty biz, I would share.

Now this is the most important place to start. I was all like “I call bullshit on this” But then baby make up gal applied it and OH MY LORD. It works. Fill and blur primer for neck and face? Thank you very much Revlon!


Ok so now for my own nightmare. Foundation. My favourite one has been discontinued so I have just been using random old ones, some of which smelt quite bad and ended up in the bin. Sales Infant took my brief seriously. I wanted full coverage, my skin can be quite dry and so it had to be moisturising, but I didn’t want to have cake face. She went to town on my olde worlde epidermis until I looked like a normal person! This was the winner and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it!

“True Match provides perfect coverage without creasing or caking. The result is an even, visibly beautiful complexion and natural looking skin.” That is the official sales pitch but I just say this still is fucking awesome. If you can, get someone to colour match you. I am Golden Beige.


She also bestowed upon me the importance of concealer and even better than that, she showed me how to use it so I don’t walk around looking like a dickhead. Here is my shade which is called Vanilla.


Let us move onto the eyebrows. Mine are not commendable in their natural state, but School Girl Sales Lady let me in on a bit of a trade secret. There is this cheap and cheerful brand called Models Prefer (I know I do!) and this is the best brow pencil in the one gazillion options out there. My shade is Medium Brown (which is out of stock at the moment goddam it!)



Eyeliners. I have always had a bit of a love and hate relationship with them because of my impending blindness and my ability to make myself look like I have done four rounds with Mike Tyson. Make Up Gal went back to the Models Prefer display and extracted a pencil that, in her words, “is super pigmented and doesn’t scratch or drag.” Tickety boo and into the basket it went.


Ok, so this post is taking me AGES to write and put together. I do hope that there are a few of you still here! Beauty blogging is hard. Nearly there.

Contour and highlighting powder is a scary prospect for anyone born before 2001. It is such an art and one that I have ignored until now. Toddler Make Up Guru hooked me up with a non scary basic product. The light powder goes on the top of your cheekbones and the bronzed powder, well you make the 3 shape from your hairline, sweep in down to your cheek bone and then back again down your jaw. I do hope that makes sense.


And finally, FINALLY (I have had 2 diet cokes during the writing of this post. Oh, and three packets of Tiny Teddies) I asked for a great everyday lipstick that will not require eight different steps and an engineering degree. So I present you with….

Who doesn’t love a Revlon lipstick!


So there you have it ladies. My latest make-up haul that will no doubt see me re-recognised as a superior beauty blogger and so my invites to Fashion Week will not longer be lost in the mail.

If you have a favourite beauty product, please, share it with the group.