Why Wellness Warriors Worry Me

 

I just do not care. I do not care if you are a vegan, quit sugar or scoff sugar. I do not join in on your horror that your maple syrup you used for your cacao balls was not organic.   I will roll my eyes if you tell me that you had to go to 4 different shops all over the city until you found the right type of acai for your colonic irrigation.

You have to ask yourself. Are diets a new type of status symbol?

Have we always been like this?

Back in the day, if you were fat, you joined Jenny or Weight watchers where you paid them money for them to tell you the following two sentences.

1 Eat less.

2 Move more.

It is not rocket science. But our recent quest for perfection has seen a rise in the bragging rights at social functions across the country.

I get it. I get it for health reasons. I totally understand that if you have gluten intolerance, and eat some bread, the next few days can be a very unpleasant experience for you. I get cutting out dairy because it makes you farty. I get not eating peanuts because your trachea will expand and cause your premature death.

What I don’t get is this quest to be the seemingly healthiest being on the planet.

Give me your goji, your chia,

Your huddled masses of kale and milk thistle….

 And chuck them all into a blender, pour it into a jam jar, stick a retro-inspired straw into it, photograph it, put an intragram filter on it, tag it with an inspiring quote, and share it with the world.

 And only then, you may drink it.

Speaking of strange and mysterious ingredients, I was recently wandering around Priceline Pharmacy, when I saw something that was quite alarming. There it was. On the shelf.

 Chlorophyll.

I was concerned that anyone could go and purchase the tonic that can render a person unconscious in seconds. But turns out, it is a drink that you use to aid detoxing. It is also an aid in reducing colostomy odour, but I think the less said about that, the better.

Australians spend $458 million dollars a year on Vitamins and Supplements, and this industry is growing. After a lapse following the GFC, it seems that right now we cannot get enough of stuff that is good for us. It is interesting to note that the sales of Vitamins and Supplements has grown by 3.4% in recent years, while the sales of beer have fallen by roughly the same rate.

And people are making some serious coin.

Let’s take a look at our homegrown health warriors. Sarah Wilson quit sugar and now she shares her stories, encouraging others to do the same. Michelle Bridges has built an empire, all thanks to the tautness of her derriere. These two have guided hundreds of thousands down the path to a healthier life.

But, where does this leave me? Where are the MY lifestyle gurus to guide me through my mediocre life? The great Dan Murphy? Do I need someone to tell me, as I lay on my deathbed, that I did just fine eating carbs? (While feeding me peeled fantails….) Can I get Maggie Beer to cater the wake?

Or should I start embracing green tea, blueberry, banana, ginger and soy smoothies like it ain’t nobodies business?

In the latest episode of The Hot Flush, Mrs Berry discusses why members of her family are becoming dehydrated and I let myself off the chain about Instagram Wellness Warriors. Did you know that some of them do not eat solid food? I also worry that Mr. Woog might be considering joining that particular army, as he continues to shun carbs…

Which means that we have now absolutely NOTHING in common, apart from the children.

Not safe for work, small ears, delicate snowflakes or for those who are easily offended. But GREAT if you are peri-menopausal and irrationally emotional.

What do you do to enhance your health?