The Christmas Coldsore comes early!

Tingle cells, tingle cells, tingle all the way!

So much fun it is to have a fester lip today YAY!

So it isn’t my usual HOLY SHIT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU annual coldsore that I usually get around the middle of December, but it is still there, waving at me from the corner of my mouth. Since I am a vigilante of HSV-1, sometimes they will sneakily slip one past the keeper and today, my friends, is the day. On close inspection, it is not a spreader and I think I got it early enough as for it not to spread like an algae bloom.

Well, isn’t this a nice conversation! Certainly not Instagram worthy. But it is what happens when I get a little unbalanced. Like having three glasses of bubbles and a bucket of hot chips at the hairdressers yesterday. I am not making choices that a “future me” would appreciate.

This catalogue arrived a week or so ago and for some strange reason, it made me hot and have an itchy neck.

I spent a long time pondering the following…

  • Who belonged to who?
  • Are any of these people facing receivership?
  • Why is none of them overweight?
  • Why does only one of them look like that they would rather be anywhere else? (Blue shirt, glasses, slightly shitty expression)
  • Why is only one adult wearing glasses anyway?
  • Where is the spaniel wearing reindeer ears?
  • Why is that little girl down the front faking being happy about getting a soft toy when she would have rather have gotten a Nerf Gun?
  • Why are they all so clean and white?
  • Who took the photo? The gay son’s boyfriend who they are struggling to accept?
  • Why doesn’t anyone seem even slightly drunk?
  • Who is hosting?
  • Who is secretly harbouring a raging case of crabs?
  • Why are they all so attractive, and white?
  • Who has already done a “Fuck that, we are leaving David! Kids, get in the car!” storm off?
  • Who is secretly shagging their brother-in-law? (Although I have my suspicions Green Shirt, Yellow Shirt Top right. Take it easy you horny bastards…)
  • Why aren’t any of the females wearing Christmas Tree Earrings?

This is all that is wrong with Christmas these days. We are all getting cold sores and having medium to severe mood disorders because we fail as women it we cannot provide the perfect Christmas. And the rest of the family think that it all just magically comes together, just like that! And then you have moronic Instagram accounts displaying the virtues on how to put together the perfect Christmas theme, showing the seven outfits that they have chosen to be photographed in while their photogenic offspring unwrap dozens of gifted presents from desperate retailers.

I SAY ENOUGH! Drink champagne at breakfast, eat some ham, have a fight with a relative or two, do a storm off, detest all the crappy presents that you get, drink gin all afternoon, listen to the Michael Buble Christmas album before you tear your hair out and throw the CD into the bin. Yell at the kids to clean up all the wrapping paper. Watch a relative have a hormonal cry because it is the seventeenth Christmas that Grandma is not here for and then go and have a sleep on the couch.

Let’s bring back the traditional Christmas!

Are you in?