SLAP YOUR KNEES

The Grammys were on this week. Once upon a time this would have been of great interest to me, but now, apart from Lady Gaga, I have no idea who any of the artists are. As a teenager, I was all over the pop scene. I knew everyone, every word and had every Smash Hits Compilations and also made mixed tapes every Sunday evening thanks to Casey Kasem.

These days I actually say things like “Thats not real music…” when Horatio insists on listening to gangster rap REALLY LOUDLY.

Listen up Lil’ Bow Wow , Lil’ Brotha, Lil Buck, Lil’ C, Lil’ Cease, Lil’ Chris and Lil Dicky! None of you make lovely songs with clear verses and choruses, melody and harmony. You kind of just yell MUTHERFUCKER GUN DOPE a lot to the sound of computer generated noise pollution.

Please don’t kill me.

But some traditions do not die.

This week I was volunteering at our local high school when a lost soul delivery man turned up at the canteen door. I offered to show him where the office was. Having deposited him in said office, I walked back to the canteen when a tune started to fill the air. It is a tune that if you ever went to school in Australia, you would immediately recognise.

“Are we still teaching this?” I asked the PE teacher.

“Yes, it is a classic. Do you want to join in?” He asked.

Imagine waking up, looking at your to-do list, only to find that in Period 2 you were going to have to teach a group of Year 8 kids the Heel and Toe Polka! Like trying to herd drunk kittens.

I was surprised to find that teaching Bush Dancing was still on the Australian Curriculum. I burst back into the canteen and announced that they were doing the Heel and Toe Polka, and we all turned into Pavlov’s Dogs and cut a rug.

Heel and Toe, heel and toe! Slide slide slide slide.Heel and Toe, heel and toe! Slide slide slide slide. Right hand clap. Left hand clap. Both hands clap. Slap your knees NOW DOSEY DOE YOUR PARTNER!

Don’t you remember those days? It took me straight back to our school hall and grumpy Mr Holloway would try to enthuse us into the art of bush dancing. He would ask the boys to choose a partner and they would all rush to the prettiest candidates, leaving me more often that not, to dance with an imaginary partner or someone with warts all over their hands. We would Heel and Toe, Dance the Pride of Erin and attempt the very elaborate and challenging Strip the Willow! I preferred the progressive dance as I actually got to get my hands on the cute boys.

It’s kind of ironic that I can still remember how to do these dances, yet find myself standing in the bathroom staring at the contents of the vanity, wondering what the hell I went in there for.

Did you listen to Casey?

What was your favourite dance?