Sounds I do not like.

There are some sounds that I adore, like the popping of a champagne bottle, or the sound of an ATM machine that indicates to me that there is cash coming my way. I mean, who doesn’t love the indication that you are sufficiently funded.

But then there are the sounds that can install a whole other shit-loads of emotions. Like when your Mum tells you that she is disappointed in you, or when the sales assistant tells you that your card isn’t working. The sound of the bird that squarks outside your window at 6.56am, and it is not the sweet trill that you wouldn’t mind happening, more like a chicken being strangled, over and over again.

You can feel your blood pressure rise when you hear your husband trying to scrape the pattern off the bowl as he absentmindedly eats over the sink.

ding ding ding ding ding ding

You can here the steady stream of someone taking a piss with the door open and wait for the non-existant flush.

“FLUSH THE BLOODY TOILET!”

I also do not like the sound of my phone when it sings to me that the school is trying to get in contact with me because they rarely call just to check in on my well being.

When you become a Mum, your wiring for audible cues becomes insanely sharp. With practice, you can tell a hungry cry, a tired cry, an I AM JUST ABOUT TO LOSE MY SHIT FOR NO REASON cry.

There is the sound of the THUD as someone falls over. You wait a few seconds to see if attention is required.

And then there is the sound that you are so finely tuned into, that it can wake you from the deepest of slumber. That being the sound of incoming vomit.

I can hear that sound from one side of the house when the victim is on the other side. Like when the cats starts in. I will race from the other room, swoop up said cat and race again to the back door, where I gently place him on the grass for imminent regurgitation.

Or the dog has found something like a 3-week old sandwich from under a teenagers bed and has a little pig-out before the heaving starts. Again, I would give Flo-Jo a run for her money when it comes to getting that animal off my carpet.

But then there are kids. Kids are harder to catch. Mainly they come to you, looking green, and say “Mum, I don’t feel very……”

CHUNDER

So. Much. Chunder

Do you remember when you were little, and you had a spew, you would immediately start becoming hysterical? Well, the good news is, that when your teenager loses their lunch they don’t tend to cry as much, if at all. The problem is that their stomach is much larger, and capable of holding way more contents.

And that is all I will say about that. And that is why I have been up since 2am. And that is why is am quite hysterical.

THE END