The Cheeseburger Churn

When you are younger, you tend to have guts that are made of steel. You could eat all the gluten, all of the dairy, all of the white bread you could manage, preferably filled with Devon and tomato sauce. You could wash all of that down with copious amounts of Tang, and just get on with your day.

WHEN DOES ALL THIS FUCKING CHANGE MY GOOD WOMAN!

When do foods become disagreeable with ones digestive system? My mum gets heartburn when she drinks orange juice. Mrs Walsh cannot deal with dairy and Mr Woog is petrified with carbs in general, but I think that is more of a vanity thing and he is a health nut. We literally have nothing in common.

And my own body is starting to fail me. I think I cannot eat my most beloved McDonalds cheeseburgers anymore. When I have one, I might as well be drinking a glass of Draino and this upsets me greatly.

Just last week, some mates of mine and I went to indulge in a cheeky cheesey b before getting manicure because that is how us trophy wives live. Also, to celebrate the fact that the kids have gone back to school. There was no need for high-faluting at Catalina, for we are simple gals.

Cheeseburger inhaled, we headed off to the nail place. I wasn’t thinking properly when I picked this fucking hideous hot pink colour that I am typing with right now. Thanks FRIENDS.

Anyway, the dog shit drown colour had to come off first and as the lady placed the last bit of foil on my pinky finger, the cheeseburger churns struck.

At first, you get slightly sweaty. And a little hazy. Then some invisible internal ninja warrior starts stabbing you from the inside. So sweaty, stubby and nauseous with completely disabled digits.

Fuck.

” Can I use your bathroom please?” I asked as I ran towards it, with my hands held up in a manner that a surgeon might do having done her scrubs.

I will not go into details as to what happened in that bathroom, but I will say there is always a reason why elastic waisted pants will always have a place in my wardrobe, and in my heart.

Is there certain things that you cannot eat anymore?

Learn more about the cheeseburger churn by listening to Kim have one live on this weeks episode of The Hot Flush.