MAY THE LORD CERTAINLY NOT OPEN MY OVARY!

The above image is the one that accompanied THIS article. If you cannot be assed to click through and read it, it is about a new procedure that delays menopause.

Basically, if you are younger than 40, this surgery will take a slice out of your ovary, freeze it, and then later on whack it under your arm so you do not go through THE CHANGE until you are 70.

Ok, so a couple of things.

One. When my friends and I go for a walk we NEVER swing our arms with enthusiasm while laughing. We are busy trying to dodge dog shit, while complaining about the weather and bitching about our families. And while I am here, why are women always depicted in articles about being hysterically happy while doing mundane things….

Are they actually high?

Anyway, back to delaying menopause, and of course this procedure has been thought up by a man, one Yousri Afif.

Now, I have been watching a LOT of Handmaids Tale so my mind is running red hot with conspiracy theories, but I am starting to think that Dr. Afif has ties to Gilead. Why are you trying to suppress us?

Peri-Menopause and Menopause is our time to shine. Like, literally shine with sweat. It is our excuse for bursting into tears without reason, maybe because you remembered you saw a video of a duckling on Facebook last week.

It is why we can simultaneously piss off our parents because we looked at them the wrong way, while screaming at our teenagers because they are so incredibly inept.

It is why we drink half a bottle of vodka, eat a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken and then complain how fat we are. IT IS OUR FUCKING RIGHT TO LEGITIMALTY GROW FACIAL HAIR!

Why would we want to delay this magical age until we are 70, when we have little physical fight left in us? We cannot slam doors with the passion that it deserves. If we slap someone across the face, there is the danger of breaking a wrist. We cannot tell our boss to “Fuck off” with an unwavering voice. These are the things that I find satisfying at 46.

I am not going to give up my right to blame all of my moods on hormones Dr. Afif. If it is your aim to silence us, as we slide into the most powerful decade of female existance….

MAY THE LORD CERTAINLY NOT OPEN MY OVARY. MAY IT STAY IN MY BODY AND FUEL MY RAGE, LIKE THE LORD INTENDED IT TO DO.