Day 3 is the new Day 2

This post contains sensitive information about a perfectly natural and normal process that is very offensive to some people. If this is you, please don’t read anymore. We are going to talk about periods.

One of my absolute favourite things to do in the world is to swim in the ocean. It is enthralling, refreshing, exciting and sometimes a little bit dangerous, depending on the swell.

It is all calm and relaxing and then you notice you are being pulled out a bit. You start to panic as you notice the build up of a wave, a wave, that as it gets closer to you, becomes bigger.

You start to panic a bit. You are about to get SMASHED. Then it arrives and breaks on you, and you’re thrown about like a rag doll. Your face gets dragged across the bottom of the ocean while your boob springs from the confines of your cossie. It hurts. Everything hurts. It seems like it is going to last forever until eventually it all calms down a bit as you swim towards the light, break through the surface of the water, gasping for air.

WECOME TO MENSTRUATION IN YOUR MIDDLE AGE!

To all my older friends, WHY THE FUCK DID NO ONE TELL ME ABOUT THIS? You are NOT doing the sisterhood a service by keeping this a secret. Oh for shame.

And that is just it. It is the SHAME. Recently surfboard maker (see what I did there?) Libra aired a TV commercial that depicted blood in its natural colour, red!

And people lost their tiny little minds! The Advertising Standards were flooded with outraged people who used words such as DISGUSTING, OFFENSIVE and DISTURBING!

Ad Standards told them to grow up.

And I know it is not just me who is suffering as I get on with things. Recently my podcast partner and life guru shared the following on Facebook.

So my period arrived on Monday, 47 days since my last on. Monday, Tuesday, ok. This morning’s shower was like a scene from Psycho. Super plug in and jumbo pad on because I thought, don’t risk it. By getting to the bus stop I knew the tampon was done. By work, the pad had served its duty above and beyond. Currently in the bathroom every hour or so. 

So Day 3 is the new Day 2.

It is so true.

Day one, preparing for the attack, calm waters.

Day two, anxiously cramping, building of the swell.

Day three TSUNAMI HITS AND YOU ARE FUCKED TAKE ALL THE NAPRO WASH IT DOWN WITH WINE LIE ON THE COUCH AND ALWAYS BE WITHIN COOEE OF A WELL STOCKED BATHROOM.

Here are a list of things I advise you NOT to do if you are of my vintage and are surfing the crimson wave (see what I did there)

  • deal with people
  • sneeze
  • make decisions
  • watch Facebook videos of abandoned puppies and the people who nurse them back to health
  • watch CNN
  • try to help your Mum set up her new iPhone

And to all you haters out there, ragging on us for bleeding, you had better stop and have a real good look in the mirror, and just be grateful that you didn’t end up as one. Period.

Is it true? Is Day three the new day two for you?