Forced Family Fun

Oh school holidays! I hang out for you to be here. The lazy mornings, no extra curricular activities, sausage sizzles for dinner. I romanticise about the family activities that we are going to partake in.

I look at other families on bikes, on camping trips and read social media captions with parents bleating on about #familygoals with everyone deliriously happy, and thoroughly enjoying each others company.

That is not the narrative here at Woogsworld.

I have made several attempts at Forced Family Fun these holidays, and this is what I have learnt so far. I call them sanity saving tips.

  • Do not speak to anyone before 9 am because they will just want to know what is for dinner and when you tell them what IS for dinner, they will roll their eyes and tell you “I HATE THAT!” and then you will want to stab a pillow.
  • Save your words for those who care what you have to say, so when one of your offspring comes to you and says “Mum…” just hand them twenty dollars and ask no questions.
  • If one of your offspring gets asked for a sleepover, encourage them to explore a short term stay.
  • If you get through to 6 pm without crying, you are entitled to one gin and tonic. If you DO cry, you may have five.
  • It is important to address one’s guilt that you have not gone away to Noosa with the rest of the world, instead, take them to Narrabeen Lakes with a BBQ chook and watch them silently sulk and grunt before declaring that everyone is entitled assholes and go home to stab a pillow.
  • Start each day with a fresh perspective and have one small Forced Family Fun task to complete. So far the only successful one we have done was a twenty-minute Yum Cha lunch. This is a good option for FFF because no one questions your beer with lunch, the service is fast, there is only a reasonably small margin for objections, and there is not a lot of decision making. It is YES PLEASE or NO THANK YOU.
  • The slackening of the standard of personal hygiene means less washing.
  • BORED AND STARVING BORED AND STARVING BORED AND STARVING SHUT THE FUCK UP AND EAT SOME FRUIT AND I AM NOT YOUR CRUISE CAPTAIN IN CHARGE OF ENTERTAINING YOU WHERE IS THAT PILLOW STAB STAB STAB…….

I can kind of feel the vibe through the computer of Susan and Helen thinking “Jesus woman! Why can’t you just be grateful #soblessed and to you both, I would like to say STAB STAB STAB.

Hows holidays treating you?