Why you should get a Great Dane.

Those who follow along on Nassicistgram know that yesterday, I came back from a meeting and found that the kids had locked up the house real good before they went to school. I went to fetch the spare key that we hide for such occasions.

It wasn’t there.

I peered into the kitchen and saw it sitting on the bench, next to the coffee machine which I was so desperate to get to as I had not yet had a coffee and was beginning to get a little tetchy about it.

I did a perimeter patrol of the property to assess whether there was an alternative entry, a thoughtfully unlocked laundry door, usually always unlocked, was bolted. There was no way in. Apart from the doggy flap door.

It dawned on me at that very second that I should have chosen a Great Dane for a dog, rather than one the size of a slipper. Surely, one would fit through a Great Dane Dog Door Flap…

As I binged watched Law and Order SVU the entire school holidays, may I approach the bench to submit evidence?

“Due to my personal density, your honor, it is clear that I would require the EXTRA LARGE Dog Flap Door to successfully break in. And even then, I doubt my hips are that flexible.”

I popped next door to grab my neighbour Anita who is the size of a 1.25L Soda Water Bottle but she wasn’t home. It was starting to get hot. I don’t make good decisions when I am hot. But then Mrs Jenkins pulled up in her Kia Carnival and saved me from myself.

I have not always been useless when it comes to breaking in to my house. Once, I was flatting in London when again, I left the premises without keys. Thankfully, it was a basement flat. The Kitchen window was left ajar about twenty centimeters and the keys were near the sink. Knowing that my flatmates would be hours (I was a teacher and they were cubicle jockeys) I had a look around for resources.

I found an old broomstick (Haters, consider that one a free pass. You are welcome!) and with a stealth-like steady hand of a brain surgeon, I was able to scoop up that keyring and ever so carefully, maneuver it down the rod and into my hands.

It was a triumph. No one saw it happen and my flatmates couldn’t give a shit about how I broke into our joint.

What size doggy door would you require?