The Full Body Experience

Now that I can acceptably be described as mid to late forties, I have realised that I am not immune to ill health or god forbid, an early death, so I decided at the beginning of the year to start at the top and work my way down. You know, to make sure things are all running along as well as can be expected.

Considering I have not always looked after my body like a temple, this was a big step for me.

So all the blood tests were done and there was nothing to alarming going on, so this gave me the confidence to dig a little deeper, as sometimes I over-react and suspect that I am dying of something sinister. Like yesterday, I had a searing pain in the middle of my chest.

I started doing some deep breathing and tried to diagnose myself with having a stroke or heart attack, and whether I should call an ambulance or not. Turns out, it was heart burn. Fucking white bread sandwich. Why are all the fun things trying to hurt me?

So starting with my brain. Last year wasn’t a fabulous one for my mental health, as I found little joy in anything and found parenting the lads very stressful. I was basically living with low level anxiety all the time, fighting with my fella and generally being a misery guts.

January 1, I decided to change my whole mind set as I was not prepared to do that again. I am responsible for my own happiness and how I feel. And I have learnt some cool tools to deal with rejection, stress, disappointment and general malaise. So brain is fully functioning as good as it can be. Feels nice TICK!

Eyes. Went to the optometrist where they did that dreadful puff thing into your eyeball. Surely, we can come up with a less offensive test than that. The good news from the consult was that I did not have anything unusual happening but the bad news was that my script was not as strong as it should be.

Basically I cannot read a bloody thing without my glasses now. If I take of my glasses to read something, it looks like it is written in Arabic. So that was fixed.

Now moving directly east and west of my eyeballs, you will find the ears. I was almost convinced that I was losing my hearing “Pardon, sorry can you say that again?” but the audiologist gave me a clean bill of hearing health.

And then we come to the mouth. Now go and make a cup of tea, and I will wait.

Now, I am going to confess something which may make your mind about me. My teeth had been neglected for some time. And something was telling me, it was time to address it. And that thing was A SERIOUSLY FUCKING PAINFUL TOOTH THAT I COULD NO LONGER IGNORE!

Like a lot of people, I fear the dentist. My usual (hot) dentist put me onto a dentist who specialises in nervy phobia type humans and I love her. Her name is Dr. Meng and these are her details for those that might require her services.

And because nothing is ever really straightforward and easy for me, I have since been referred to a specialist, known as an Endodontist. A pleasant, cherry chap had a bit of a poke around yesterday and diagnosed my root canal situation was “quite remarkable” as I demonstrated my special talent.

My special talent is that I have the worst gag reflex in the entire world. (Think about inserting inappropriate GAG here but do not because Mr Woog’s parents sometimes reads this…)

It was decided it was too dangerous to drill too much into my skull when I might chomp down on his arm, so I am booked in to get the whole thing done while taking a pharmaceutical assisted nap. Thats right folks!

The whole this is so expensive that I am going to have to start a new career. I am considering moving into car stealing.

So it is February and I have made it so far down to the mouth. We are looking at Mammogram March before taking a ride on the crotch camera to figure out just what in the dickens is going on down there.

With age, shit changes. Oh, and get a skin check too. So much maintenance to keep the bod going. But it is worth it. Send money.

How is YOUR health and don’t lie. I actually wrote crotch camera so there are no secrets anymore…