In the most delightful way!

That’s right! I have a blog. A blog that has somewhat has been neglected due to the fact that like a lot of you, I get bouts of anxiety which causes me to clam up in times of fear. Clam up, and consume hours on hours of rolling news coverage, doing nothing but drive that fear even deeper.

But, I have decided to be kind to myself and be cautious, but no longer consumed by fear of the Corona Virus. I was swirling around that drainpipe, but I didn’t want to disappear down that dark hole, so here I am.

Reporting for duty.

Homeschooling week two, and the Mary Poppins in me has failed to appear.

In every job that must be done
There is an element of fun
You find the fun and snap!
The job’s a game and every task you undertake
Becomes a piece of cake
A lark! A spree! It’s very clear to see….

Thwack, thwack, thwack… the never-ending sound of the tennis ball being hit against the back yard. Heavy metal death gang gatherings of screams and notes echo from Horatio room, suggesting not so nice things should happen to rival rappers. He has no business listening to such music. He is the whitest, rugby-loving, non-gangster that I know. He would get the crap beaten out of him if he ventured out into the real world. Jesus. He still has a teddy bear.

Everyone is fed up. Apart from the dog. She is delighted with the recent turn of events.

So I try my hardest to keep it all together. Take the big one for a driving lesson. Spend three hours on hold to Telstra to fix the wifi only to discover one of the cables was not plugged in properly. Make sweet love with the washing machine. “You know I love you the most…”

Go to the fucking supermarket again as I am trying to be a good human and not hoard all the dried pasta, and buy what we only need.

Shlep it all in.

“Mum, can you make me a sandwich?”

And it all started with that little sentence.

“Mate, you are sixteen. Time to start making your own sandwich.”

A robin feathering his nest
Has very little time to rest
While gathering his bits of twine and twig
Though quite intent in his pursuit
He has a merry tune to toot
He knows a song will move the job along

Apparently one needs a lesson in sandwich making. I told him that I had every faith in his abilities to put something between two bits of bread. I tell them both to unpack the groceries before retiring to my room to watch videos of clever people on Facebook doing clever things to bide their time in isolation.

Did you see that family singing One Day More? Or the dude doing the Andrew, Katherine Scott Morrison piss-take? They are my favourites today.

The kitchen niggle starts, firstly in normal but harsh tones. I do deep breathing on my bed.

Some vulgar language is conversed.

“Calm and relaxed…. deeper and deeper…..” My meditation kicks in.

Then I hear the sound of a grocery item connecting with a head.*

It was game on.

I run into the kitchen and pull them apart, before unleashing my inner lizard queen.

“WHATTHEFUCKHONESTLYCANYOUNOTDOANYTHINGTHATDOESNT INVOLVEKILLINGEACHOTHERIAMTRYINGTODOMYBESTIDOFUCKING EVERYTHINGAROUNDHEREANDALLIASKED….”

And on and on and on. You know what I am talking about. I was in the end even making up words that had never seen the inside of a dictionary.

GET TO YOUR ROOM!

It was not good and I don’t do it very often. It is only when I have reached the end of my tether. It is because my adrenal glands get full on excited and says “Yo! Get ready to party Cortisol! Go make that crazy bitch even crazier!”

I put the groceries away in a noisy fashion and contemplate having a day drink.

The honey bee that fetch the nectar
From the flowers to the comb
Never tire of ever buzzing to and fro
Because they take a little nip
From every flower that they sip
And hence,
They find
Their task is not a grind.

Day drinking has become very en vogue around these parts lately. I decided that it was a slippery slope. I go back to watch more cat videos, when there is a knock on the door. In wanders two sheepish sheep, offering up what appeared to be deep and sincere apologies.

Of which I accept and then go on to give them an interesting lesson about hormones and feelings. In turn, Jack tells me the function of the pancreas, which makes me realise that some of this homeschooling might actually be sinking in.

They leave, and I text and apology to me wonderful neighbour about the noise. She texts back…

“Welcome to my world! smiley face emoji”

It made me realise. Sure, we are all in this together but at some point something has got to give. Do you recall that scene in the movie Shawshank Redemption where they take bets on which new inmate was going to crack it first?

Friends, I am running at very short odds.

And Karen and Susan, before you fly off your handle, I know that I am lucky. I know that I am privileged. So that saved you the time. Get back to your baking.

A Skinful of Vodka helps the Valium go down
The Valium go down-wown
The Valium go down
Just a Skinful of vodka helps the Valium go down
In a most delightful way
!

Anyway. Enough about me. How are you doing? Any news?

* Thankfully it was just a cup of two minute noodles